Defeated

This past week has been one of the darkest, scariest, confusing times I have ever had. I woke up one day and there was a huge cloud of depression. I am not even sure if I would call it depression. I could not stop crying. I cried for hours. If I wasn't crying I was sleeping or having racing thoughts of ending my life. I had done so well for a while. Why is this happening? I cannot even explain the turmoil I felt. I spent hours sitting in a dark closet crying. I cried in my car. I cried at work. I cried in bed. Things that generally interest me were gone. Simple things like watching TV. That is probably one of my favorite things, but I couldn't even turn on the TV. I couldn't eat, focus, cope! For many times over the week I dissociated from myself. I felt at times that I was watching from the outside; like I had no control. I felt lost. I was in a haze and couldn't remember chunks of my day. My memory was shot. My words did not make sense and I was even forgetting to spell simple words. It was all a scary and tragic time, but I began to scare myself when I started to have dark thoughts. I wasn't hating myself- I just couldn't get that internal pain to go away. It was the deepest sadness I have felt, but no particular reason. My mind wandered. I felt like if I cut myself it would relieve some of these feelings. I didn't want too, I have done so well, but the thought didn't leave my mind. I guess it is a good thing that I lacked any energy or motivation to even go to a store to buy a blade. Then thoughts about wanted to be dead started. I can't live like this. If this is going to be how my life is, unpredictable and the instability of not knowing when these times of darkness would come or go was too much to deal with. I started making a plan in my head. I came up with a specific plan to kill myself. I practiced writing a suicide letter in my head. I wanted to cover specific people and explain that this was no one's fault. As I wrote out for individual people. I came to a specific person who I wouldn't even know how to explain this too. I knew I would have let them down and I know they would be angry at me. Not anger in a rage but a selfish caring anger. I couldn't stand the thought of hurting them. This week was a struggle, no a battle. Five days from when this darkness began, I woke up "normal." I felt great! I was able to laugh, interact with friends, run errands, and watch TV. I still hate the thought of going through this again, that I have no control, and feeling of being defeated. But for now the darkness is gone. 
"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in." 
-Haruki Murakami