Knewenle

I thought all week that this was a mean joke, this couldn’t be real. I got the phone call from Kristyn telling me that my friend Knewenle, who has been battling cancer since October 2014 had passed away. What started out as breast cancer had spread to her lungs and liver. I sat with her and slept in bed with her on several occasions when she was in the hospital. She always laughed, talked crazy, and talked about what we were going to do at a later date. From the beginning I told her over and over that it would be fine. Initially things look up. She had done chemo and had a mastectomy. I remember even at the surgery for her breast we were laughing, taking silly photos, and she was her- talking in random accents, talking to whoever entered the door or talked to her. I loved that quality. Sometimes it got us into a lot of trouble. But that was her. Carefree and wild!

                The cancer was removed and Knew went home. While in the hospital we had so much fun. She was in a lot of pain but you would never know it. I stayed the nights, sleeping with her in her hospital bed carefully so I didn’t pull out any of the tubes and monitors. I learned from the nurse how to drain tubes so I could do it for her when she was home. She was a great spirit. She asked me to take pictures of her mastectomy, before and after. We laughed. We knew it really wasn’t funny but we always turn things into something hilarious. She had told me that was one thing she loved about our friendship. I never once treated her like she had cancer. I would still call her names, get mad at her, we would still get hammered together. I knew she had cancer but I never thought to treat her like it. I can’t even count the days, years we spent together. We called each other sisters. We spent a lot of together without even talking to each other. We could lie all day and watch TV, movies, listen to music, play on our phones, and nap. Just the presence of one another was enough. And Lord, all the crazy shit we did. Knew was adventuress. We would start and home and the next thing one know we are in LA, at some party, end up in a random Jacuzzi up in the hills, even experimenting with drugs. She was a wild child and she sure brought out my wild child. We balanced each other out, as I am the calmest of us two. Although we appeared so different from the outside, inside we were so similar. We struggled with boundaries with men, feelings surrounding why we get into these destructive relationships, and how our emotions are do disconnected with our sexual nature with men. We dealt with these feelings differently, but regardless we had the exact hurt, anger, and fear deep down inside us. Knewenle was wonderful. We always had amazing talks, tears, but mostly laughter.   

                A month later Knew started to have a lot of pain. It got bad at one point to where she went to urgent care. They were not sure what was wrong, but started her on some pain killers. Another week or so went by and she was admitted to City of Hope once more. Her mom called me telling me Knew had passed out at home and was not responsive. I quickly went to hospital. Knew was so out of it. She was weak and so fragile looking. This time I could see the pain in her. There was no hiding it now. News came later that day. Cancer was back, only this time it was in her liver and lungs. She slept in and out throughout those days. I looked at her and still believed she would beat this. I laid in bed with her taking naps like normal. After 3 days she was discharged home. I went and saw her 2 days later. She looked so much better! She was eating, sitting up and, laughing. We took several pictures together that day. Little did I know that would be the last time that I would see her.  

Her mom took her to Mexico to stay with her until her treatment the next week. Although we didn’t have phone service her and I messaged each other, sent stupid pictures to each other, and snap chatted the most retarded faces that we could. That was Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Then the messages stopped coming. I sent her pictures and messages, but I didn’t get a response. It is not unlikely that she wouldn’t chat, because that’s her. Sometimes you can get a hold of her and some of the time you can’t. I couldn’t wait until she was back. She never came back.

Monday morning came and that phone call came. I didn’t want to believe it. I called Gblormehn immediately. She confirmed, Knewnle was gone. I couldn’t hold back my tears. I was at work so I ran outside. I sat on a curb and cried and cried and cried. Again in my head this was not happening, this is a mean joke. I left to go home. The emotions and sadness were too overwhelming to deal with.

Tears still came the next morning as I headed to work. I had to keep busy so I went. I had mini melt downs throughout the day, but made it through. I honestly cannot remember a lot of that week. I stayed in touch with Knewenle’s mom that week and soon learned that the funeral was to be held in San Diego this next Tuesday 9/15/15.

I drove by myself to San Diego. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I needed to be alone to process, cry, and beg for this to not be true. It was a dark day, even in the weather. It rained the entire way to San Diego. As a request by her mother, I decorated and put the room together for the service. I held my composure. During the end of my decorating I noticed out of the corner of my eye a casket being transported up a ramp from under the building. My heart stopped. They came into the room and placed the casket against the wall. I knew she was in there.

I took my seat as the service started. I tried my best to hold back the tears for as long as I could; which wasn’t long. The casket was open. I knew I had to see her one more time. I went to view. I began to shake. I reached in to hold her hand. Her hands were so cold. I lost it. I began to wail uncontrollably. My legs were giving out on me and I couldn’t stand. I was assisted back to my seat and continued to ball. The wailing eventually stopped and there were only tears streaming down my face for the rest of the service.

The service was over but I still needed to say my goodbyes. I waited until the crowd had left. I sat in a chair in front of the casket. Waiting, just waiting. I eventually got up and walked over to Knewenle. I held her hands. I cried and just bargained over and over for this to not be true. I was angry. I always told her that everything was going to be ok and we had more adventurous plans ahead of us. I sure let her know how angry I was with her as she lay resting. How dare she leave me! I think most emotions besides joy/acceptance flowed through me. I didn’t want to leave her but I had to. I kissed her forehead and told her I loved her. Again I felt the coldness of her body. This is the last time I am going to see you friend. I already miss you terribly.  My only comfort is that you are resting peacefully, in no pain, and no suffering.

This is the last time I saw Knewenle. 1 week before she passed. This moment pretty sums of our relationship, filled with laughter and randomness. My friend still smiling as she was slowly dying.