Kitchen Floor

I am shaking, trying to breath, holding back tears on the kitchen floor. If I move I may break. My anxiety is theough the roof and panic has set in. It’s loud. It feels crowded. Kevin is at work. Keep it together I tell myself over and over. You can’t lose your shit already. I have just stopped my dad from yelling obscenities at a lady from his utilities bill. He starts his conversation by introducing himself with ethnicity, culture, the city he is licated, that he is with family… the woman cuts him of and states “I don’t need all that information “. My dad finishes up his sentence and moves on. He is late on a payment. And since he did not pay the bill in full amount, they are letting him know that the interest will continue to incure. My dad begins to yell that he will not pay because it is government or higher ups that are placing this late fee under illegal premesis. The woman on the phone states that she can not remove the charges and that it will have to be paid. My dad yells at her for not standing up to the government and getting sucked into this political scam. He tells her she needs to think for herself and rants about this being Bidens fault and pushes his political beliefs through the phone. I can’t take it. I am trying to get kids finished with lunch and clean. I finally intervene and yell at my dad to stop it. I tell him she has no say in any of this. It is only her job to provide you with accurate information about his bill. My dad tells the women she needs to take a stand for what is right. That there is discrimination against him. I grab the phone from him and yell at him to stop it!! Please stop! Again I tell him this is not how you take care of it. You cannot decide how much you pay towards a bill. It is set and it won’t go away until he pays what he owes. He is not happy but tells the woman on the phone “I would like to end this call.” The woman on the other end is happy to get off the phone. Surprisingly my dad does not yell at me. But also will not take into consideration what i am telling him. He starts stating thigs about them being racist because of his age. He is so angry. I don’t even know the jargon he is using- he makes a point, but you can’t change a bill. He feels like we are programmed to do what the government tells us. He refuses to abide and is doing what he stands for. But there is a time and place. And you never talk to anyone like that on a phone. He wants everyone to take a stand- but only for what he states is right. He has no filter. Just py the goddamn bill. I try to rationalize   This is his credit and if he keeps calling being threatening it is only going to get him in trouble. No one else. He scoffs. I couldn’t take it. His yelling, 6 kids running through the house, and trying to keep myself sane as i am picking up after everyone. I send the kids outside. My dad says he is going to lay down. Finally! But him telling me he is going to lay down is a 20 minute conversation. Every time I finish and walk away, he follows, with more stories/information that could be summed into one sentence. I am on nerve. About to break into tears. He finally goes to his room. I drop to the floor. Texting Kevin. Not sure what else to do. I want to be the fun aunt but my anxiety is exasperated by messes, noise, everyone asking me questions… i finally pick myself up off the floor. Down a couple pills and drive away. But I can’t really be gone for long. I told the kids we would decorate cookies. This is only day one. I want to disappear