Surrender

 

Reality and acceptance started to hit today. I have been talking to Kevin and my therapist about the desires and reality of invitro and having a baby. I have struggled with what Gods will is for me and if my hearts desires are His desires. My favorite verse in the Bible is Psalms 37:4 “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” My desire since I have been young is to be a mother. As I have gone through life without being able to have children on my own and two rounds of failed invitro I find myself questioning my desires and Gods desires, His faithfulness, His plan, how to pray, and how to listen to what God is telling me about the plan I think is best for me. I assumed that if my desire was so strong to have children, that through prayer, God would answer in the way I expected. I prayed in complete certainty that He would bless me with a baby. Each time after the phone call that our embryos did not take, I took that as God telling me that it was not His timing. I still believed that it was His will that I would have a baby.

 

My reasons for always wanting a baby is that I love children and I know that I am good with them. I was adopted and I have always still felt like there is a piece a missing. For one, being adopted I have never had any genetic connection to anyone. I do not look like anyone, I do not share the same DNA with anyone, and I always longed to be a part of something biological. I never wanted to adopt because I know that if my parents had biological children as well as adopting me, I would feel very left out and different. I would never want to put a child through that time of agony. I have struggled with the feeling of belonging. Once my mom died I struggled with this concept even more. When my dad passes away, I think that I will have no one that I belong to in the world. I will be alone. Not only do I not know my biological family, but my adopted parents will be gone and I truly will be an orphan. This emptiness feels like a dark place for me. I want to have something in this world that is a part of me. I want to have someone that resembles me. I want my own child.

 

Once we moved to Kentucky and Kevin’s insurance covered fertility treatment, I thought for sure this was the right timing. We got in touch with a fertility center and had our first consultation that went well. Not too long after we got the news that Kevin had prostate cancer and would need radiation. After radiation, the chances of us being able to have a child would be gone. So we rushed to Kevin in for appointments to have semen extracted. It was a process of extreme worry and arguments between me and Kevin. I wanted him to rush and get the appointments made and I couldn’t understand why he was waiting. It caused me to become very angry and resentful. But after a few tests and getting an outpatient surgery scheduled two hours from out home, we made it. The procedure went well, and the doctor seemed hopeful that all was healthy. Then the radiation started. It took a toll on Kevin, and he wasn’t able to work like he had been. He worked for Toyota which covered out fertility treatments, but they were not as accommodating with Kevin’s schedule and modified duty due to radiation treatments. He tried and was sent home multiple times due to feeling faint, high blood pressures, and pain. I was just getting ready to start the medications for my end of the fertility treatment. The day I was supposed to get my injections and medications sent to me overnight I got a call that our insurance had termed. I quickly called the insurance company, and since Kevin and not been able to work full time, his insurance/work dropped us. The price they quoted me for the medications to be sent was $22,000. There was an option to get the meds for around $5,000, but there was no way we could afford either. So everything was put on hold. I looked at doing COBRA, but they needed $2,000 up front. Again, we did not have that much laying around.

 

Time past and I continued to pray. I asked Kevin to look at refinancing the house or taking out a loan. We both called places. The loan was not approved. The refinancing would have ended up being a bad decision as we got out home at a 3% interest rate and currently the lowest interest rate was 8%. All the banks and companies warned against the refinancing. Again I sat with the disappointment that the cards were not in my favor. I started to process what if the answer is “no.” Not later or not continue to wait and trust, but “no.” I struggled with this in many ways. One is fearing that if I accept this answer that I would be limiting what God could do. I know he can make all things possible, but maybe he has been closing doors. What if I have not delighted myself in the Lord and that is why the answer is “no.” Am I slapping God in the face by accepting no as my answer, when God isn’t saying no. Maybe he wants to pray harder, trust more. Or am I pushing my own agenda after God has clearly showed me no in multiple areas. “No," Kevin has cancer, insurance doesn’t cover it, each embryo transfer has died…

 Were these things all God showing me this is not the plan he has for my life?

 

I started sharing with my therapist about all of this. There is a pro and con list for both scenarios. I tried to look at things from a different perspective. I thought, what if God is saving me from something I would not be able to handle. What if my child was born with a medical disability or deformity that I was not equipped to handle? What if I have a child and Kevin dies and I am left on my own? Kevin is a lot older than me. Do I want to be a widow and a mother at the same time? So many things ran through my mind. Is the “no” in all of this a consequence because of my behavior, sins, terrible thoughts and actions? Regardless I sensed today that God is telling me He has a different plan for my life.

 

I am driving alone in California to a friend’s house while on vacation. I break. I am pleading with God to show me a direct answer. When I speak about wanting this child so badly I sense that this is all about me, not Him. When I succumb to the idea that God is showing me “no,” I feel it as the right answer. I am hurt, but I sense that this is what he has been trying to show me for years. I call Kevin. I can barely talk. I tell him I think God is telling me that having a baby is not what he has planned. I am trying to think of every other option available. I hear myself saying I could do this or that or this is what is meant for me… and I stop. All this I and ME, what about God. This is what I want. This is what I think I need. God whispers softly that I am His. I belong to Him. I am not alone. And I hear Him say, “I am enough.” This doesn’t stop the pain. This doesn’t make me feel bright and cheery. But it does make me stop and think, what if this is what God has been trying to show me all along. He can provide for those empty spaces. I am comforted in knowing that He is still in control. It still hurts. It is still painful. But there is hope.