Flashbacks

 So the past two days my depression and hopelessness have felt out of control. My anxiety is through the roof. I had to leave work early yesterday due to not being able to get through another minute. I wants to cry, i have thoughts that I want to die, or at least go to bed and not wake up. I am not suicidal, kust the present moment seems to difficult to navigate through at this time.

I am looking at all aspects of my life right now and i realize there are many contributing factors. One, i am exhausted. I have not slept well this week. I have worked 52 hours already this week and will be at 60 hours by the time my work week is done. I do not typically work this many hours, but due to needing to pay off some bills I picked up extra hours. I have also been working on this list of Secrets and Private which has been difficult. In my time doing this I have been looking at old journal entries that have been triggering. I have looked back on several experiences that I try to not go back to. The experiences are those of trauma. I am sick to my stomach. I feel nautious, I am having nightmares, and my startle response is intensified. I know I am safe, but I don't feel safe. I want to push through. I have typed around 200 pages of my past over the past 20 something years, with not writing much for the past four years. I am encouraged by the amount of progress I have made, but am suddenly back in a rut.

Other factors i am aware of is that I have not been consistent with my medication. I will not have insurance until October or November, so as I have been doing better I have not taken them to ensure I have it when I need it. I have thought about talking to my psychiatrist about cutting back, as I have been doing a ton better. I am planning on taking my meds when I get home today. I am not eating well. Partially I have no appetite and my stomach has been upset, and partially intentionally not eating enough. 

So I am exhausted, not eating well, not taking meds consistently, and having flashbacks and trauma responses from going over my journals and trying to type things out. All of this is think would validate my current emotions and depression.. or am I missing something?

I know that if I had someone to vent to or just daily blab about the stressors I would feel better because now I am holding everything inside. I have tried to get rest when I can, i have used essential oils, i have gone on walks, played with my dog... but nothing is alleviating my symptoms. I do feel alone. I am scared. I tell myself that this will pass, and I know it will. It is during the present that I fear my thoughts and am not sure how to manage things. I made myself eat some cereal this morning.