Darkness

 

It has been a dark four days have been dark. Everything feels heavy and unmanageable. I can see that there are several factors that play into it. I know I have not been eating my best. I have had a loss of appetite, and my sleep has been poor. I continue to have nightmares each night. I am trying to make myself eat at least something small because I know I become more irritable and emotional when I do not have enough nutrition. I have not been able to sleep great and I have been working now for 16 days straight. I picked up extra shifts at both of my jobs. I was trying to make up hours because I was gone for several days a few weeks ago and leave on vacation in a couple weeks again. My thought was to make more money to pay off the trips so I wouldn’t feel so stressed. I had picked op days at different times, so I really wasn’t aware that I was working everyday this month up until my vacation. I realize that this was not the best idea as far as me having down time and getting rest.

 

Other factors are relationships. I have reached out to a couple of friends and have not had much response if any. I am tired of being the one to reach out and feel like I am putting more into the relationship then they are. I have pondered just to stop trying, It is hard because I do care for these people and value their friendships, but it is draining no me to be the only one trying. My thoughts race as to what is the best thing… maybe these people are not capable of reciprocating friendship at this time. I can still be a good friend and be available to them and reach out to them if they need it. Or I take care of myself and just stop caring and leave things as they are. I am the only one getting my feelings hurt that I am aware of as I reach out with no response. I deeply value relationships, but at what point to I step back and realize that sometimes friendships are just for a season. I am wanting to establish friendships here so I have a community, but maybe it isn’t that important? The friendships that I have currently are wonderful, but few. Many of them are still people I cannot talk to about hard things. Several friendships are present, but over time we share no common ground in interests, music, free time. We just know that the other is there. It is sad and depressing that friendships that were once so close feel so distant. Maybe I should just not care, do what I want, and not look to anyone else to come beside me and join me. I can do that, but it is lonely at times.

 

Monday was the worst. I woke up and decided not to go to the gym. In my head I was doing a good thing to allow my body rest and more sleep. But then I thought, but the gym is also good for me and helps release ugly feelings. So what am I to do. Both seem the right decision. What is better for me? How do I weigh the cost and benefits? I chose not to go. I partially regrated it, but it was great to get some extra sleep. Kevin left out of town. I worked part of the day. My thoughts grew darker. I wanted to not be around anymore. I felt like maybe if I cut, I would feel better. Even that didn’t seem appealing, because that was not enough to take the pain away. I did what I needed to do as usual with work. Simon had class in the evening. I brought him and just felt out of sorts. Simon was not doing well and the trainer is blunt and voiced to me that I was the one confusing Simon. It was not Simon’s fault, but my inconsistencies. She is always blunt and I normally like her for that. She was right, but it was the last straw. At that moment I held it together, but knew when I got home, I was going to drink and do some real damage. Once I got home, my desire to drink was gone. I had no more energy in me. I laid in bet and contemplated suicide. I had many thoughts and options. I knew I had multiple bottles of medications in the cabinet that I could easily sit down and take. I had thoughts to shoot myself. My gun was in my car and I didn’t have the energy to go and get it, besides, that is not the way I would most likely end my life. I had my blade. I could cut myself. My thoughts were mostly do cut my abdomen at that point. As I sat and thought about all these methods I thought of Simon and my cats. If I shoot myself, Simon will be scared, and no one is here to let him out if he needs to go potty. He and my cats would have to sniff around my body and not have a clue what was going on. What if they needed to be fed or given water. I can’t imagine frightening my pets like this. I wasn’t sure what time Kevin would be home in the next day. I couldn’t leave my pets alone. It killed me to think about them needing something and no one being there to provide. These ended my plans to harm myself. I took my medication and went to bed.

 

I have continued to have these thoughts. I feel hopeless at this point, I am overwhelmed with multiple areas in my life and just can’t seem to get one thing straight. I am fearful that I am going to go to hell. I am scared that I don’t matter. I feel incredibly alone, and I don’t have a lot to fight with at this time. I show up to work because I have committed to be there. I show up at appointments because I scheduled them, and I keep my word. I can’t pray for myself because I have not asked for forgiveness. I can’t ask for forgiveness because I am not sorry. It would be a lie. My anxiety has been through the roof. I fall apart and then tell myself to stop it and get back to work or whatever the task I am on. I feel angry. I am angry at others and myself. I hate this feeling. I know it will pass. It always does. But I am scared for myself. I feel no joy. I just want to be in bed with the covers over my head. That is my safety. That is my peace.