Change

"We can't be afraid of change. You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea. Holding onto something that is good for now, may be the very reason why you don't have something better."
C JoyBell

      I hate change! If I ever wanted to self induce a panic attack I would just have to present some sort of huge change in my life. I know change is not comfortable for anyone but I feel like it has a abnormal effect on me. maybe not, but I haven't met anyone who will spend weeks, days, hours crying and panicking over something simple. 
     Having to change something in my environment makes me crazy! I am sure a lot of it derives from childhood. From the age of 5 things began to change rapidly. As a little girl I was not able to keep up or process all of this. I felt so insecure, so unsafe. My mom became sick and almost died when I was five. My sister and I were left with my parents friends as my dad and mom went to another city for treatment. That was the first dramatic change. I cried and cried for my mom. This family was not mine. I had to change my routine, I transitioned into kindergarten without my parents, I had to change my responsibilities...etc. A year later we moved to the United States from Peru. Big time change and culture shock! Nothing around me felt secure. 
      Now into adulthood change is still terrifying. Simple things that could bring about pleasure scare me. Purchasing a new car. I will look and sit to think for hours before making a decision. The change in something like this makes my heart race. I will call people and ask their opinion. I will make someone drive to the dealership and look at what I have picked out. I probably am at the car dealership a good 6 hours or more. And sometimes I leave after that. I can't make a decision that will change things like finances or, what if this car isn't like my car now. What if the blinker doesn't click the same? What if there is a different number of cup holders? When I have purchased the car I will sit and ruminate for days, panic, and doubt myself. What if this change was wrong? 
     Going off to college was a huge change. To sit and not fill out any applications in avoidance was a way to keep myself safe. There was not pressure or a need for change if I just didn't apply. Like the quote "a ship at harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are made for." So many times in life have I missed opportunities due to keeping myself safe. For the first year after high school I avoided the idea of college. As much as I wanted to get out of my house, I was in my safe comfort zone. I did go to college later. The days leading up to it I cried and cried. All of the what ifs! I cried on my drive to school. I avoided everything in the first months. I kept to my room. My belongings were my comfort and safety. 
     Same thing with grad school. I moved only 45 minutes from where I had been living to go to school in Long Beach. As I unpacked I panicked. I cried. I cried for days. I hated it. I would drive back to Chino where I had moved from. I would do all of my errands and grocery shopping in Chino. It was comforting to have familiar surroundings. My mind raced for what seems like forever. What if this was the wrong decision? What if I moved to the wrong place? What if I could like in Chino and just commute?
     Getting my nails done should be a fun thing. I like to have them done, but I can always foresee a panic attack. I cannot change color on my feet. I have worn the same color for years. I have tried a different color, but I end up in tears and at home rubbing the color off. I am picky, but a little to much at times. My OCD kicks in and I can see if one little side of my nail isn't covered. I will see if my toe nail may be a little bit uneven. I cannot count the times that I have gone to get my nails done and then sit in my car and cry, panic, and scream. My mind will not get off of the imperfection. I try to let it go, but I just can't. I can't until it is gone. So again, I will go home and take off the polish. My friends warn me every time I go and some friends do not want to go with me due to the fact that they will have to see me be angry and crazy afterwards. I have one friend that will not go with me if I am thinking about putting any design on my nails. This type of change is too much and I know that now. 
     At home and work small changes freak me out. Not on the same level as my nails or moving, but just the same it makes me nautious. If someone changes the way certain folders or  papers are at work I can not go on. I have to move everything back because the change throws me off and makes me anxious. I can not change things like soap, shampoo, or color of towels. If someone picks me up a different brand or size of a bottle I cannot use it. I feel the biggest pit in my stomach. I get so angry. Angry enough that it ruins my day. I guess this part is a little more OCD than normal change, but it is still change. It is out of the norm. It may seem small but even these things seem huge to me. Huge enough that it moves me to tears and emotional pain.  
     I guess it all comes down to safety for me. The chaos and the unknown of something new is the most uncomfortable feeling. I guess everyone could say this is true. But I have let this rule in my life to where it has caused me to miss out on so much that I was made for. Avoiding good changes has lead me into terrible situations. Changes that inhibit what I was created to be. 
     I do not handle change well at all. Like the times above, and many of times throughout my life, it is causing me to fall apart. It causes me to stay up at night for hours and hours thinking, ruminating with all of the what ifs. I cannot focus. I cannot eat. I can barely concentrate on anything until I can figure out how I can move forward in change in a way that works for me. I lay in bed either in super anxious mode or sleeping. I am pretty good at trying to avoid change with sleep. Maybe if I sleep things will stay the same? It can become scary in my thoughts and anxiety. It is in times like this that getting out a razor and cutting is so inviting. I desire that relief and anything to keep my mind off of the inevitable.
     This is not how I want to live. This is not what I was made for. I miss out on too much already with my depression. To miss out even more with ideas of change is terrible. I am still unsure of how to change my thought process. I am still terrified. I would love to just crawl into a hole and stay there. Stay there until time passes. I am trying to push forward. I admit, I don't know how. You would think with age and time that this would get easier. Part of me just reverts to that same feeling I did as a child when I had no control over anything that was going on around me.