Walls

     I have done a great job of placing walls in my life. Tall, thick walls that can not be penetrated. These walls have become my protection, as well as my coffin. It has been easier to keep myself safe from being hurt. For a lot of my life, after experiences with hurt and trust being broken, my walls have formed. Once a small fence that I built around me, I could see the things of this world and people. Sometimes I gave people a chance. I let them crawl through the space between the fences. There were times that a relationship developed, but the majority of time I ended up feeling taken advantage of, being betrayed, and in situations which caused me to self destruct. 
     So the fence became a wall. Little by little that wall became taller and thicker. I have felt safe! I have avoided many possible hurts and pain. My wall was unable to be broken. But now, trying to heal and move on, that very wall that kept me safe has kept me from loving and receiving love. Here I am safe but alone. As I try to remove the pieces of my wall I am finding it more difficult to tear down than it was to build. I need a pick ax. I am trying to let people in, to let them know me. This is not easy. This means I have to be vulnerable. 
     That very word, vulnerable, is terrifying. I have missed out on a lot of life. I have missed valuable relationships, new experiences, and most importantly the knowledge of even knowing how to let people in. I need people in my life. It is like an adult in a car accident with so many injuries that they have to relearn how to do things that are natural to most. They know the process, but now have to struggle to put those muscles and nerves to the use that they were intended to be. That is me. Most of those around me relationships and trying new things are natural, or at least obtainable. For me I see this, but it is not natural. It is relearning what I should have allowed myself to grow into without walls. The new experiences cause anxiety and fear. I take a chunk out of the wall and then back up and at times trying to patch up the hole. This tearing down of my wall is not easy. It can be painful. It can be wonderful. It will take time. A lot of time. But the wall is breaking slowly.


“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves