Heartache

I can not even begin to explain the heartache I feel right now. I cannot stop crying. I miss my friend. I have missed her all week but today is especially hard. It is becoming more real in every moment that she is gone. It is around this time last year that she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had no clue that my time with her was going to be gone within a year. 

I talked to Knewenle 's mom today. Gblormehn has been struggling but has founds some ways to ease her pain. She tells me to let myself feel and to let if out. Own the pain. When she misses Knew she puts her shoes or close on to comfort her. When she wants to do an activity like shopping or going for a walk she gets on her shoes and takes Knewenle 's presence with her. 

Last Halloween we spent together. Just her and me. The plan was to get dressed up and go out to some party. It ended up both of us dressed up and staying home. Knewenle dressed up as a cheerleader and I wore my tutu. Of course with Knew the night was an adventure. We started off having some drinks, taking lots of pictures, and laughing. Then the night turned into inviting a random man up for drinks. We smoked marajuana with him. I became increasingly paranoid and had a strange/fearful feeling about him. Knewenle could tell I was getting scared- and rightfully so, this man was up to no good. 

That girl had my back. She felt it too but handled the situation like a champ. She came up with a believable elaborte story to get him to leave, had already been texting a couple of friends to come over if needed, and secretively managed to get me and her knives. This all probably sounds insane but we were taking every step to ensure our saftey if we needed to. 

My fear subsided with her directive and calmness. She stayed close and promised me protection. I believed her a and she sure did protect me physically and emotionally. 

That was my friend, my sister. As this Halloween approaches I befin to realize I won't be celebrating with her this year.  Those moments are not going to happen again. That smile and laughter no longer exists. 

Gblormehn encourages me to celebrate as if she were here. To pick 2 costumes, one that I would wear and ome that she would wear and to put them on. Let that soecial moment ve and to not end special occasions just because she is not here. I am going to try. I want so badly to have a day with her. I know I wil never get that again and it is breaking my heart.