Not so Happy Thanksgiving

Today has been incredibly hard. This last week has been. I couldn't put my finger on it at first, but now I think I understand why.

I have been coming home and crawling into bed. Crying myself to sleep and waking up crying. I don't want to see anyone or do anything. I have no energy to give, do to anything, to work. This last week I broke down several times at work. I just felt so sad and alone. I had to leave work one day because I could not keep it together emotionally.

It is hard for me to share my feelings especially when I don't fully understand myself. My friend called out of no where to ask how I was. I guess she had some sixth sense that I was not okay. I broke. Sitting there sobbing she helped my process my thoughts. She pointed out that holidays are difficult for me. It really hadn't dawned on me that this may be part of the sadness. It helped to get some clarity but as I left the intellectual/logical side of me stopped and my emotional roller coaster began. I shut down, as I do, went home, crawled in bed, and slept.

I woke up today with racing thoughts. I would start a task and think of something and move on, forget, half way finish, lose things. I stopped and tried to stay in the moment- talking out loud to myself as I went about my morning routine. "I am walking to the kitchen to get water", I am putting my phone in my purse", "I am getting the trash bag out, I am walking to the trash can..." This may sound ridiculous but it helped. Before I was trying to take the trash out, well that was the plan- but on my way to the trash I got distracted and ended up in the laundry room and then back to my room. I literally have to tell myself what I am doing to actually get to the task at hand. If not I am all over trying to catch up to my thoughts/actions.

I went to work this morning: Thanksgiving day, feeling okay. I stayed busy. My thoughts kept going and going about crazy nonsense. Once the day was done tears again fell. I thought I had done pretty well today, but the business was just a distraction to not be in my head. My heart sank. Driving home I relived the memory of the Thanksgiving my dad attempted suicide and I spent Thanksgiving day in a pysch hospital visiting him. This image breaks my heart and will forever be one of my worst memories. I feel for my dad so much and seeing him in a hospital was m worst experience. Just the thought/image and I begin to cry. I also miss my friend. I spent many holidays with her. That is no longer going to happen. I fucking hate all of this. Death, sadness, loneliness, pain!!!! That is what thanksgiving day brings to me.