Stop These Thoughts

The last 4 days my depression has intensified. I am back at the point of feeling like I do not want to live. I don’t know how to verbalize the internal misery I have been feeling. Since Wednesday I have been crying and sleeping a lot. I cry myself to sleep, cry when I wake up, and cry throughout the day. I had to leave work halfway through the day this past Thursday and Friday. I just couldn’t do it.

Yesterday I woke up at 1:00. I had slept for 12 hours. I woke hating my body, my weight, and what I look like. This was on top of just feeling down anyway. Kevin and I ran errands in the afternoon. He was very sweet and bought me clothes and surprised me with an ipad mini as an early Christmas present. I couldn’t help but think maybe these were out of some selfish motives. I don’t want to believe that. I have been definitely “bought” with gifts and such from other men- given gifts for favors and as an apology. I can’t compare him to other men in my life. I know he is not like them. I am trying not to, but my mind still runs back and forth that maybe the gifts could be some sort of manipulative action or distraction. I began to feel light headed and dizzy at out last spot. I needed to eat. We left and I got in the car and broke. I am so stressed about food. I couldn’t make up my mind about anything. Kevin became frustrated, which I understand, but didn’t help the situation. I didn’t want to eat/didn’t know what I wanted. Kevin is catching on slowly to my issues with food and appearance. He confronted me on my eating, telling me I had to eat since I had only had watermelon to eat. It took calming and lots of deep breathing, but I put myself together and made it inside the restaurant to eat.

We got home and my own insecurities started again. Earlier that day I had gotten a brazillian wax, because I know that Kevin really likes it. He was with me and immediately was aroused. After we got home after dinner he got touchy and again he got a boner, but stopped the initiation of sex. He wanted to finish a football game first. I began to cry. He asked me what was wrong. Through tears I told him how unattractive and unwanted I felt. He assured that it wasn’t that at all, gave me a hug, and sat down to watch the game. I tried to sit out in the living room with him, but I couldn’t let him see me cry again. It was around 6:30 and I headed to my room. I got in bed and began to cry. I felt so much emotional pain. My mind raced:

Why am I upset?

I know he loves me and finds me attractive

I can’t stand my body

I can feel my fat

I want to cut

I want to slit my wrists

This is all pointless

He is going to get so sick of my crying

I have to hold it together in front of him

I have to pretend like everything is ok

I don’t want to live anymore

I hate feeling this sad and alone

My boyfriend and friend are in the next room and I feel all alone

I don’t want to talk to anyone

I need to share with him

I can feel myself shutting down

I can’t

I can’t stop it

I don’t want to think

I just want to sleep

I have to avoid these suicidal thoughts

Why does he not want to have sex

There has to be a better excuse

Maybe buying me things is to compensate for not having sex

How can he sit there and not even check on me

He knows I am crying

Maybe I need to tell him what I need

No, that will piss me off more

Common sense to check on someone crying

I know he doesn’t know how to deal with me like this

I have to explain and tell him what I need

I need him to come here

No I don’t need anyone

I don’t know how to tell him what is going on

I am so pissed at him

How hard is it to come give me a hug

I don’t want to think any more

I will close my eyes and sleep

I need to sleep

Then I won’t feel

My mind rotated all these thoughts and more. I had to sleep. I closed my eyes and told myself “stop thinking” “clear your mind,” “sleep.” I closed my eyes tight and tried to make my mind blank. This went on for over 30 minutes - back and forth between racing thoughts and trying to make myself sleep. Sleep wasn’t happening. I finally got up to take pills to help me sleep. I went to the kitchen to get water. Kevin and Jess were watching a movie. He didn’t say hi, no hug, he didn’t even acknowledge I was there. Now I was just fucking angry. Really, he told me earlier he wanted to have sex after the game. It had been 5 ½ hours since I first went into my room. He never once had come in. I guess I am not as important or there is no desire to have sex with me. Again making me feel terrible about myself. Sleep eventually came.

I woke up today close to noon. I began to cry. Kevin was up already. I went out to get water and to say good morning. He didn’t say anything. I came back to my room, put my covers over my head, and cried. After some time of being stubborn I finally asked him to come be with me. He held me and I just cried. I cried till I fell asleep in his arms. After I woke up I cried some more. Kevin didn’t say anything. I know me being like this is challenging for him. Especially trying to figure out what to say, not say, or do. In my head I felt like shit. I just began to touch him and arouse him. Still no talking but he now was ready to have sex. We did, but in my head we were just fucking, not having sex. I realized that I was using sex as a coping mechanism. I was initiating and having sex to make myself feel better, like I always did in the past with guys. It meant nothing. I didn’t even like it. But somehow afterwards I felt better.