Birthday

Today would have been Knewenle's 30th birthday! It's hard to wrap my head around her not reaching her 30th! I met up with a couple friends tonight to celebrate and acknowledge her. The other 3 were friends and coworkers, but none as close as I was to her. They had contacted me to plan to be together because they knew it was a hard day for me. I reluctantly decided to go. I really didn't feel like much being around people, but I thought perhaps it couldn't hurt anything. We met at our favorite bar in Chino. Knew and I spent countless hours here getting drunk, laughing, dancing, and stuffing our faces. I kept it together. There was no way I was going to let anyone see me cry. They shared some memories and stories. I laughed with them, but had to check out at times to hold back my tears.

At Knew's funeral, Gblormehn had everyone release a balloon for her. My friend had brought a balloon for everyone to release. Bright colors like she would have wanted. I could feel tears well up in my eyes. This was not fair! I missed her so much. I said my goodbyes and left shortly after that. I couldn't be around anyone anymore.

I held it together until I walked into my bedroom at home. All the hurt, not understanding, anger, agony, and pain released. Kevin met me with a hug. I know he understands how I feel, but he cannot express that to me and his patients seems to always be short in this type of situation. I don't understand him sometimes. I laid in bed and allowed myself to grieve my friend. It hasn't even been a year since she was gone. I miss her with all of my heart. I don't know that I will ever be able to understand her not being in this world anymore.