Fly Away With Honesty: Crazy 4/26/16

On my way to work my heart started pumping and I began to shake. My anxiety was out of control. I made it to work but it was pointless. I couldn't concentrate, my pulse was super high, my vision was bad, I was dizzy and shaking so bad at one point that I couldn't even walk. I took Xanax throughout the day to help calm my nerves. It did absolutely nothing for me. I was scared to drive home so I stayed close to work.I went to a store nearby but managed to forget what store I had gone into, I lost 2 of my personal items- I had no recollection of going to my car. it was fucking scary. my words were jumbled and my spelling for work was off- like I didn't know how to spell anymore.

4/27/16

I was hoping so bad that today it would be gone, but it is not. It isn't as extreme, but I am still shaky and my thought process is so slow. I am using wrong words and not understanding what people are asking me.

I feel paranoid and outside of my body.

I was trying to think yesterday if anything happened. I know that I watched intervention in the morning about a girl addicted to drugs. It began after being sexually abuse by her cousin. when they went to trial she lost. she was so artistic and so internally damaged. How she spoke about herself and her longing just to be loved and accepted hi t me hard. I completely identified with her pain. I didn't think it bothered me after the fact of watching it- but it did have me in tears. I also know that this planning on going to a PHP program is causing extreme stress.

I don't know that these things really were that bad to cause such anxiety, but I fell so out of my body. nothing seems to be helping. it just really scares the fuck out of me.

I began to freak out as things worsened. I was losing my mind. I kept hearing my name being called and felt like someone was watching me. The hearing my name when no one was around made me think I was becoming psychotic. Especially when I heard it in my car and I was alone. I got home and began to freak out. My depression was in full force as well as feeling out of control. I had to feel. I had to come back. I cried and cried, then relief finally came as I stabbed myself twice in the stomach with a razor knife I had for a project.

My therapist had talked to my psychiatrist to let him know what was happening. He called me the next day. His explanation of what was happening was bot relieving, but still scary. He told me that I was having a dissociative episode. I had never heard of this. I know I have dissociated before, but that was only in brief moments. Never lasting more that 10 minutes. He told me that these episodes can last for days, weeks! He explained that xanax would not help because the anxiety and nervousness of dissociation can not be controlled by xanax. I was relieved when he told me I was not psychotic. If I was not aware of the paranoia and auditory hallucinations then that would be psychosis. My doctor explained that the fact that I know it is not real and aware that it is happening it was not a psychotic break. Everything he listed was exactly what I was experiencing. My fear now was how long this would last.

Dissociative disorders are characterized by an involuntary escape from reality characterized by a disconnection between thoughts, identity, consciousness and memory. - See more at: https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Dissociative-Disorders#sthash.L1i070Xl.dpuf

A dissociative disorder can be described as an involuntary escape from reality. It impairs the normal state of awareness and limits or alters one's sense of identity, memory or consciousness. Generally develops from a traumatic experience.

Memory loss (amnesia) of certain time periods, events and people.

A sense of being detached from yourself

Confusion

Wandering

Depersonalization/Disconnecting of thoughts and feelings

Headaches

Mood changes

Depression

Derealization
Dizziness

Fly Away With Honesty

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Crazy 4/26/16

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