Last Day

October 1, 2016, my last day at shoreline. It has been a whirlwind over the past three months of treatment. I must say I am doing better. Not 100% The treatment team here is not in agreement that I leave, but I believe it is time. I feel at a place where I can continue on my own. I need to try.

These past 90 days of treatment have been terrible, wonderful, terrifying, enlightening, and challenging. I am remembering to my first 3 weeks where I was re-feeding. It was the worst pain I have felt. Putting food in my body was not only repulsive, but painful. I felt at times that my stomach was going to explode or that I was going to throw up everywhere. Some meals consisted of tears while towards the end they became easier.

I had days where I was making myself throw up at Shoreline and taking laxatives. I couldn't handle the way my body felt as my body was healing. It got to a point where I had no option. I had to eat my meals and snacks- fully, like clean the plate everything- or the option was to go to residential. I would not let myself get to that point. I had 2 weeks of having to eat one on one. Again this was a battle from feeling full yet still having to eat, knowing that if I didn't that I would have to go to a higher level of care. Looking back I know that I wasn't being fed more than what was essential for me. There were several eating plans and I managed to only ever stay on the 1st level. That in itself was hard enough. There was a period of time where I was losing weight. I wasn't trying to necessarily, but it was happening. I know that I had days where I felt so gross that I was hiding food or sneaking off to throw part of meals away. I was overjoyed knowing that I was losing while others were gaining. All of that was cut short with intense monitoring.  

My entire thought process has been challenged. I had no other belief when I began that I was fat. Fat, gross, heavy, and in need of losing weight. I have learned a lot. I have been able to learn how to appreciate my body for the actual purpose that it serves. I can be thankful for the function of my arms, legs, neck...etc. I understand that food is my fuel. I brains functions have improved as well. Initially I had zero concentration, my memory was shot, and I couldn't process anything that was being taught. After giving my body food over the past couple of months all of that has improved. It is not 100%, but it is sooooooo much better.