Losses and Gains

10 days ago my best friend came to town. It was soooo good to see her and the kids. They spent 3 days with me and then we just got back from being at a beach house with everyone for 1 week. While she was here it was good but different. She has always slept with me and Grace. We always shared my room and I had time off. This time I didn’t. Kevin and I living together changed a bit of the dynamic. Kevin and I now share a room. So she and the kids stayed in our guest room. I also was not able to take any time off because I was taking the following week off for the beach and then a week after that Kevin and I are going to Montana. So I couldn’t afford to take time. So I didn’t feel like I had my full BFF time. But I realize that all things like this change as we all grow, marry, have children…. I did let her know that I was off meds. Her reaction was not really what I expected at all. She was definitely thrilled that I was doing so well without them and that life in itself for me was doing well. She was moved to tears. She sat with me after work one evening. She broke into tears. She was so happy for me and also mourning a loss. I never thought about it this way. But like she explained- this was a miracle. She has been my go to person and my strength/encouragement for the past 8 years. She has walked each step of this fucked up miserable depression I have battled. For her remembering those days, nights, hospitals, ER visits, sitting and holding me through tears, praying and crying from a distance that I would be safe…. All of those times have come to an end. She is right. We don’t talk nearly as much as we had before. She stated that now I have Kevin who is my go to person- understandably so- but even at that, this is a loss for her. It is a loss for me as well. Although, I really don’t feel like I have needed to GO to anyone lately. Things are good. I feel good. I am eating. I have dealt with a lot of shit in therapy. I have gotten DeeDee out of my life for the most part which has relieved an incredible amount of emotional stress. And God! Thank God! The biggest part in all of this is Him. And we both recognize that. It was moving to see how much all of this (me in this time) is a testament to Him. My friend mentioned and I agree that we weren’t sure if this would pass. This could have been my life forever. This could have been a battled I would have been plagued with (severity changing) for my life. Things are just so different. There is a huge miracle of life and hope. There is a story of seeing Christ’s hand over me during all of these years. The loss of the need for someone in the midst of ongoing pain is a loss. It is also a gain. But I understand where she is coming from. No one would want to change this miracle. No one wants it to go back to where it was. Without hearing my friend talk through this- I would have kept on minimizing what has happened. She brought to light what I need to see daily- minute by minute! God is a God of life. He wants me to life life abundantly in Him. And only he can heal and give me the true strength that I need. Believe me there are still daily challenges. But he has been a faithful God who answers prayers and cries from both myself and family