These past 2 weeks have been a blur. I have wanted to write but have just not been able too. My anxiety and depression have hit really bad again. The last 2 weekends I have stayed in bed, asleep mostly, or if awake I am crying. I just feel so down and I don't understand. My anxiety has made it nearly impossible to get anything done. I don't know how to express or explain the feelings and emotions inside of me. It is all so dark. My body hurts. It hurts to get up and just go to the kitchen or to find something. It is painful to be awake. I don't even have to try to sleep to avoid this- it just happens. I feel no joy, only deep sadness. I want to be alone and feel so alone, yet I desperately need someone there. The times I lay awake I am overwhelmed with fear, helplessness, shame, and despair.
I noticed it all hit bad when I returned from my trip to Montana; which was wonderful. I did have some run ins with my dad, but overall stayed busy and not much down time. I think that that helped. But I could still feel the creeping in of the depression.
I decided that I needed to take a step and see Dr. Welch. How embarrassing... after all these months of doing so well and now feeling desperate- if it is even meds- something to help. I couldn't get an appointment for 2 weeks. Naturally I began to panic about how I was going to get through this long length of time. I called later and left him a voice mail. He did respond. I explained partially of what was going on. I didn't tell him that I had been taking medication (anti anxiety) on my own already. I should have but I was scared too. I had to or I wasn't able to get up or work or even do a small task like take out the trash. We decided to start on Prozac and Xanax, He called in the prescription.
That entire week I felt so numb. I had to leave work on numerous occasions. I couldn't think. I was moved to tears with everything. And any change or stress seemed to make the world fall apart. I went to pick up my meds and the Xanax was there... but only 5 of them. Five!! this was going to only get me through liek2-3 days. I began to panic. And the Prozac wasn't there. Luckily I had Prozac at home but I didn't know the dosage that he wanted me to take. I got home and panicked. "I have to do exactly what he is telling me to do!" I have to show him that he can trust me and that I am doing things as he has prescribed, not on my own agenda. I was picnicking so bad that Kevin told me to take a Xanax. but how could I? then I wouldn't have enough left to get through the next week. I had a total melt down. I was so stuck on taking exactly exactly what he wanted me too. I couldn't take the Prozac because I didn't know what dose... it was a battle.. a long one. I finally took a Xanax and fell asleep crying.
I woke up crying still trying to figure out what the hell I was supposed to do to get through. I remembered that I had my Dr.'s pager number. I called him and he responded quickly. I was honest about using the anti anxiety meds earlier in the week. I explained the nausea and chest pains and racing thoughts that make me immobile to anything productive. We changed to Klonopin which is less addictive and he prescribed it 2 times a day- not just as needed. And he did confirm that the Prozac needed to start at 20mg. It gave me a relief to just know exactly what it was I was supposed to be taking.
I have been on the meds for 6 days now. Today I feel okay. the rest of the days have been hard. I have not been able to do much. It took everything out of me to go and get the mail on Saturday. I did go to church, which I am glad that I went but it wouldn't have been my choice. I would have slept through the entire day. Which is what I have been doing. It is a miserable intolerable feeling that I hold inside. I absolutely hate it. I have found that this bout is not the same as before. I do have hope. I have a better understanding and grasp that God is the only one who has pulled me through thus far and I believe he will continue too. No matter how hard or terrible I feel. I am not hopeless. Just feels plain shitty!
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