Twisted Joy

Out of this depression and anxiety I have a feeling of such joy and happiness all due to my weight. With the anxiety and depression I have had no appetite. I do not want to relapse into eating disorder behavior. I really had tried to get up and make sure that I put something in my body. Absolutely nothing had a taste or just tasted awful. I bought things that I normally would love to eat! No taste. No feelings of hunger. I would take out a yogurt and take a bite- 4 hours later still trying to eat it. I would go buy my favorite fast food or ice cream. A week later it still sits in my freezer with 2 bites taken out of it. It was so hard to finish anything. Besides I just wasn't even conscious of the feeling of hunger. About a week ago I got on a scale. I was overjoyed! I had lost 8 pounds! It made me smile. It made me feel good. It made me feel powerful. I still do not have my full appetite back. I am trying to eat meals. But I am noticing the extreme guilt and shame over eating. I refuse to let myself fall back on that path. But for the moment I am elated with the number on the scale. I would like it to be less. I know that this type of joy and happiness is all fake. It is only temporary. It really doesn't take the depression away. But in some twisted way I am emotionally on top.