Two years

My dear friend. It has been two years since you went to heaven. I feel terrible today. I don't know how I should feel. I know time has healed some pain. I miss you like crazy! But today is not like it was a year ago. I hate that I am not distraught; in tears. I feel like I am supposed to be miserable and sad. Last year I could barely function on the anniversary of your death. But today I don't feel distraught...is that bad? I feel like a terrible friend. I should be crying and longing for you. Why do I not feel that way. Is there something wrong with me? Am I a bad friend? I feel okay. I had it in my calendar today that this was the day you died. But if it wasn't in there...would I have remembered. I can't believe I am saying that! I don't want to forget you. I don't want time to make you disappear. I want to always have you close. I know there are different stages in grief, but am I in the right place? Is this how I am supposed to be feeling? reacting? You are the closest person to me that has ever passed away. I can remember the day. Exactly where I was. How I was sitting. Getting Kristyn's call. Calling your mom. Seeing the post on facebook. How my heart sank. How my world was turned upside down. Am I not giving you enough time today? As I write and think of you my eyes fill with tears. Do I not make enough time for you anymore? I remember your funeral. I remember not being able to stand because I was in so much turmoil. I remember holding your hand and giving you a kiss good bye. I remember the piercing cries I had over you. My sister. My friend. I do miss you! I miss that laugh! That smile. XOXO