Updates

So it has been a long long time since I have posted anything. There has been so much that has gone on. I have been feeling really well over the last few months. My anxiety and depression have lessened so much!
I am trying to think of everything that has gone on. For one, I am engaged now- I ma not sure if I mentioned that in any previous post. So I have been doing, well trying to do some wedding planning. It is not going as easily/smoothly as I would like. I am just lazy and slow and terrible at making decisions. I have found the perfect place and set the date. I am just trying to get all the little details squared away. Things that I thought would be simple are turning out to be incredibly difficult- like music and dresses. I thought music would be simple, but it is NOT! when it comes time to think of the songs I would like my mind goes blank. I have been googling wedding songs/ entrance/ bouquet toss/ father daughter dance music. It is a lot harder than I thought. And though I can not wait to be married, my motivation to get things done is low.

Kevin and I have gotten more involved with church and it is going well. It is great to see how God is working in our lives and fun to see Kevin's spiritual growth!

My biggest daily battle right now is weight. I am eating and keeping a healthy diet but I am so insecure about my weight/size. I have gained about 5 pounds and I am hating it! I can not get rid of it for anything! I feel like a giant. I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate how I feel. I am trying to pray and give it up to God, but it is so hard. I pray and then 2 seconds later I am criticizing myself and trying to figure out a way to lose weight. This week has been decent, but I have allowed several episodes where I am over exercising, under eating, taking 5-6 laxatives a day, purging, researching ways to drop a few pounds. A couple of weeks ago I was so delusional I started to think that I could lose weight if I stopped taking my medications. Without my meds I become so anxious and depressed- but when I am depressed and anxious I have no appetite! So that was my genius plan, which I quickly disregarded because I know that is so stupid and would hate to get into a depressive state again. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how bad of an idea it was- but I still pondered it for some time- I felt desperate to lose weight!