I chose to work this Thanksgiving. I usually do. I didn’t have to go in to work at all. But otherwise I would sit at home, watch TV, and try to find ways to distract myself.
I texted with my sister some. They were all getting ready for their festivities. I asked where dad was, she said he was at home, but was going to go get him when it was time to eat. I asked how the day had been. She answers with good, lots of food, and it rained. I didn’t mean that, I meant how was she without mom there. But I can’t just ask that. We are awkward in our conversation. I should have just simply asked. But I didn’t and she didn’t ask me.
I call my dad. He is at home still alone. He sounds okay. He mentions that he will be eating with the grandkiddos. He talks to me about mom. I break. I cannot hold it in. Im at work sobbing as he is gently telling me his memories of her passing. He tells me again that the plan was for him to die first, not mom. He tells me how he is replaying the moment that he looked into her eyes- and there was fear. Mom was scared. Later he said her eyes held peace. Although it wasn’t what she wanted, she knew she was going to die and go to be with Jesus. That is when my dad said there was a shift from fear to peace. I continue to cry, but have to get back to work.
I cry periodically throughout the day. I cry on my drive home. I cry at home. We eat with Leavelle’s and Jess. As we pray before dinner I begin to weep. I cried through the entire dinner. I didn’t even realize when everyone else was done and had left the table.
I miss her so much. I truly thought I would be ok and Christmas was going to be hard. Now I am dreading Christmas. I am looking forward to my family coming to visit and that we will be together. I am dreading the loneliness and pain I will feel. All mom wanted was for is to get together as a family over the past year. Now we are seeing each other like she wanted. But what she wanted was to share in these moments. And I never made the time.
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