Mind Update

So here is a little update. I feel like I am constantly going yet nothing is ever completed. I am exhausted. I have lists of things I need to get done. Some days I can manage one or two tasks, but now it is piling up and I feel overwhelmed. Work has been incredibly busy, which has not been the norm. Usually I can get a couple tasks done at work or make a few phone calls. This week my days have been 12-14 hour work days that are full! The day does go by quickly, but mentally I feel drained. With my trazadone I can usually sleep well, but the last week and a half I have had terrible sleep. I have had two nights with absolutely no sleep. I take my medications, but I am just not able to fall asleep. I started to take an additional 50mg of trazadone in hopes to get some sleep. It has helped some, but my sleep is not restful. I have nightmares about four times a week. All of them are about Deedee. Things are just replaying of how cruel she was to me, how much she manipulated me, and abused me. My dreams are recreating the same scenarios. It sounds dumb, but the dreams are haunting.

I am on high alert and weirdly preoccupied with men. I stayed in a hotel where I work (that’s an hour from home) a couple of nights ago. I got to the hotel close to midnight and the check in person was a young man. I checked in and then couldn’t get my TV to work. I called to have someone come look at it. The young man came up. Before he even got there my thoughts were racing. What if he tries to do something? What if I give in and sleep with him? What if he is dangerous? Should I have my gun? But if he tries to assault me it is a little extreme to use a gun… What if I don’t care and want to just have meaningless sex and he is okay with that? What if her really tries to hurt me? Now he is in the room fixing the batteries in my remote. I stand across the room. We chat casually, he fixes it, and he leaves. I feel relief. But the energy that went into every possible scenario and what I would, could, or wouldn’t happen drain me.

I have been having a lot of fear and sadness with my mom being gone. As I have been going through grief share I am realizing more and more how I don’t really belong or feel a sense of belonging. My mind has been wandering about what happens when my dad dies? I had biological parents and was orphaned. I have/had adopted parents, but I do not have a mom anymore. And when my dad goes, I will have not even adopted parents. Which makes me an orphan again. I will have no one. I already have felt displaced in my family, but it was something. I have never been in a family where I am biologically connected. I am a part of no one, nothing. Though I have my adopted parents there has still been a disconnect. I am so thankful for them and it does or has given me some sense of family. When both my parents are gone I will be completely alone. I know I have a sister and Kevin, but in my gut, my chest- I am alone. I am an orphan. I am so saddened and torn internally. I have been in tears multiple times over this. It isn’t fare. What have I done or not done to be in a situation where I have lost now 3 parental figures. I am terrified of being orphaned. I fear that something will happen to my dad. Obviously my sister and I do not hold same thoughts or feelings over these matters. The things that I hold so precious are just no important to her. Why am I even here on this earth? To be a part of nothing, to have no one, to feel alone?

I am also grieving not having a child of my own. I long for it. I have my best friend’s daughter spend the night on Saturdays and then she goes to church with me and Kevin on Sundays. I love these night. I hurt after these nights. Grace comes over and showers and we watch TV or crafty shit. While she is in the shower we listen to music and I chat with her. I sleep with her in my bed. In the morning I make her breakfast and brush/braid her hair. It feels like what it would be like to actually have a daughter. I love spending time with her. We have a very unique and special connection. She always wants to spend time with me. If I run errands or just sitting around she loves to come over or go with me. I can hang out with her for hours and just feel such a sense of peace and fulfillment. Then once she goes home Sunday evening there is a feeling of loss. This is what I want, what I have always wanted...to be a mother. Reality hits and I realize I will never have these experiences with my own child. I will never get to drop her off at school, take her to dance or gymnastics. I will never be able to watch her graduate kindergarten or put up ugly pictures that she draws on my walls and pretend I like them. I will never have anything in this world that is a part of me. Once I die, I end… there is no carrying on any part of my being.