Burn

 Thursday night I am playing on the ipad. Kevin has recently reset it to sinc with his phone. I am playing spider solitaire. I see a text message come in. I open it. In all truth, I thought it was still linked to my phone, so I opened it up. I am not one to ever snoop or question Kevin. 

I open it and there is a message from Laura. I glance and see "I love you forever." So naturally I open the text. There is only about 10 interactions back and forth. The first one is Laura wishing Kevin good luck on his first day of work. Then there is back and forth about being the longest friends. happy thanksgiving, and pics of thanksgiving food. In a couple of the text messages, she calls him "babe." There is an exchange of "I love you babe" from her and from Kevin it is "same here!! forever." She asks "how are you doing babe?" There is not much more. After the last love you, there are no more messages. Now I am disturbed, but not jealous. Curious, but I have no reason to think anything beyond a close friendship is happening. Choice of words wrong for sure. The fact that I have no clue who this woman is, is strange. There is nothing sexual or talk of anything outside of what I mentioned. The only anger I have is that Kevin has not mentioned her to me, like she is a secret. But the anger does not last long. I am distracted by many other things. I don't believe there is any cheating or probability of it. It is just plain weird. 

I take pics of the chats. I later delete them because it does me no good. I am mostly weirded out about my nonchalant feelings about all of this. My anger is geared towards myself. I can't be mad because I have had conversations with former male friends. I have entertained thoughts of visiting male friends. Have I done that, no! But there are still wandering thoughts. So if I am doing the same thing, but it is not saved in chat messages I am no different. Although, I have never told another male that I love them at all!  I drink and go to bed.

I have several hours before I have to go to work. I am anxious and angry. My mind races and I know I am missing my mom, I hate the way I look, I feel disgustingly fat, still thinking about the text messages between Laura and Kevin, and I am alone. When I am not working or busy my thoughts drown me. I am overwhelmed. I want to cry and scream. What have I learned??... What have I noticed and found insight in over my many years of counseling? I need to do something for me, self care. I need to allow myself to feel, but also rationalize that these are feelings and they will pass. It is way harder to deflect all the negative self image distortions/thoughts. If I stay at home I will fail. I need to get out of the house and distract myself. I am praying between my self destructive thoughts that I will lean on Him and not listen to the lies the devil is telling me. 

My mind wins for a moment. I hate this. I know what this will bring on, but I don't care... at least not right now. I feel tears, but stop them and get out of bed. I am always angry. No matter what emotion, I am angry. Every thought roles in about how I hate it here, I rarely see my friend, and all I want to do is be in a familiar place without all the stress. 

I have already been restricting, but I am so angry that I tell myself I am not eating today. This will solve my problems. Well, at least distract from my thoughts. Self care... I will get a massage. I am getting ready to head out the door after my coffee and a bright idea comes into my head. Porn. Why not?! I again try to talk and rebuke the devil, but I really don't care. I have not done this for years. I put on porn and watch a man disrespect a woman and a woman disrespect herself. I masturbate. For an instant I feel okay. Then, nope, all the icky feelings are there. I am disgusted with myself. I rationalize it is okay because I haven't had any action from my husband in at least 6 months. And before that I was drunk the last time we had sex. I didn't hurt anyone. I am a moron, but that is it. 

I drive to the massage. I contemplate listening to worship music, but I can't. I am angry at myself. My massage feels fine, but I can never get that amazing feeling because my mind races through the entire thing. I stop and tell myself regularly to relax and enjoy the moment. It helps for a quick minute then I feel my body tighten up again thoughts are all over. I have three hours until I have to be at work. 

I think about stopping and getting coffee and journaling or planning out my next week. That is too challenging. I have to run into the store to return an item at Hobby Lobby. I run in. Every line for the cashier has like 20 people in it. I ask if I need to wait in the line if I am just returning. There is a return line, but you can also buy things in that line- so it is forever long. The worker says I need to wait in line. Fuck that!! I am not standing in a long line for what seems like it could take more than 20 minutes alone in my head. I leave. I am pissed. I feel tears welling. I tell myself again...this is just a feeling. I am overreacting because of my head space. Yes, this was annoying, but it is not the end of the world. Pep talk... but I still want to stab someone. I leave, engage in other reckless bx that I am not proud of, and drive home. 

I still have almost 2 hours to kill. I call my ex. I weighed this back and forth in my head as well. I justify it because of Kevin's text messages. I know this is not true or the right thing to do. Again I pray that I would be led out of temptation. I last about three minutes. I call. He answers on the first ring. I talk as I drive to my office. I am still talking to him once I arrive. As much as I feel that this will make me feel better, I am bored with the conversation. I am bored with the same stories I have heard. I have nothing to say. It is 3:58 and my client will be here at 4:00. I hang up the phone. We have talked for two hours.

Ashamed of myself, I go on. See my clients and head home. I am bursting. I feel like I am losing my shit and will explode. No one is home. How can I not self destruct more.... I call my best friend. She is not able to talk because she is at a car dealership with her husband. I pace. Maybe a shower... I know I hate them, but could it help? I am trying to find anything. If I still self harmed that would be my next go to. The idea sounds wonderful, but I am past that. That will do no good at all. I call my pastors wife. Voice mail. I am done reaching out. I am starving and allow myself to have some tomatoes and lettuce. Fine, I will try a shower. On the way I grab alcohol- because this will surely take some edge off. I drink while I shower. I don't feel better. 

Kevin is home. I am exhausted emotionally. I tell him I am tired and crawl into bed. Sleep... that will help. I doze for about an hour. I wake up around 6:30 pm. I feel miserable. I decide to just take my night meds and call it a night. I take them and eventually fall asleep...for an hour. I just lay there. I take more Trazodone. It does nothing. I am awake all night!