Confessions

 

Confessions.

Confession, I am miserable.

I came home Thursday night to a sleeping husband. It is trash night. Here I am at 11:00 at night taking the trash out, again. I am pissed. I can’t even look at him. I sleep on the couch because I don’t want to hear him at all. This is so fucking annoying. He didn’t work today, he is not in school, and I still have to come home after a 12 our day and do shit that has to be completed. I put dishes away and cleaned up.

I starved myself for a week and abused my body all because I was going to be weighed at my doctor’s appointment yesterday. The doctor had to cancel my appointment at the last minute, so this was all for nothing. .

I suck. I want something, something more than the relationship that I have. I want to feel valued and important. I want the attention I want. I am not getting that at all right now. I fucking have to do everything! So I knowingly cringing inside text the man I used to work with. Stupid shit. He responds. But not how I want. Basic catching up. That is it. Fail. I am glad that he had boundaries in this moment because I did not. I wanted him to tell me how he desired me. I wanted to hear that he was still in  love with me.

I want to have sex with a stranger.

I was at work yesterday and I got a text from my sister that dad was going to let the ladies from church come over and go through moms things and take the clothing, shoes, purses, and trinkets that they wanted. My sister said it is hard for my dad to have the closet still full of her things. I was livid! I feel for my dad, but how dare someone else get to go through her things. I try to call my dad twice but no answer. When I am back at work my dad calls multiple time, but I cannot answer. I am in tears. I want to go through my mom’s things. I was patient and waited for him to be ready. Now he is ready and I don’t get the fucking option to go through things! My heart sank.

I had the worst night. I spent the night in tears. Cheyenne had asked what days/evening I was home this week so we could hang out. I had given her three different evenings. One night I was home and I could hear her, sean, and jess hanging out in their backyard for hours. I normally just walk over, but I felt like it was odd and felt intentionally not invited. I know this is not true. I went to their house to drop off some dishes Cheyenne had left at my house. I saw the kiddos and Sean walked in and said hi. But that was it.

Then last night we had texted about hanging out. I was going to help her with some things at her house. When I got home she and jess had already taken care of the projects. She asked if I could do Grace’s hair. Grace and Lincoln came over for a bit. I love hanging out with them. She asked if I wanted to come over for a drink. I went, but I did not want to drink. So I didn’t. But jess was there. After about 10 minutes my dad called; so I went back home to chat with him. He agreed to let me come there first to go through mom’s items. I just don’t know when that will happen. But there was some relief.

There was a fair/carnival going on here in town this weekend. Country bumpkin festival, but I had never been and I work the rest of the weekend when it is open. I really wanted to just see what it was and get a funnel cake. I invite Chey to go with me. She laughs and says no. I get it- she has been there before, but I just wanted to do something with her. I ask Kevin; he doesn’t feel well. I ask Lincoln, Cheys son; he doesn’t want to go. I melt on the floor crying. Feeling sorry for myself. I have no friends. I can’t even get an 8 year old to hang out with me. I suck it up and go because one; I wanted a funnel cake, and two; I have no problem doing things alone. I was gone like 25 minutes in total. I got back and told Kevin I felt like that kid in school that no one wants to hang out with and has to eat in the bathroom alone. I ate a few bites and then stopped. I had lost my appetite. Chey texted me to come over. Jess is there and I didn’t want to go at all. Besides, I was tired and had to be up at 5:45 in the morning. I felt hurt and overlooked. I felt like I didn’t have my friend anymore. I texted her to let her know that my feelings were hurt and I feel like I am taking the initiative with no response. I know our schedules are whack, but we had specifically narrowed down the evening I would be around so we could spend time together. I was in no place to talk to her in person. But I felt like it was okay to let her know how I was feeling, that I missed her, and felt isolated and lonely. She didn’t respond how I thought. Basically it comes back to me. I am overly sensitive, I am the one with the problem. I lost it. It probably wasn’t a good thing to do over text, but I was trying to be honest so I wouldn’t harbor more anger. I bawled by eyes out and went to sleep. Kevin tried to comfort in a way, but he fell asleep within minutes, so again I felt alone.

I think it is okay that I am hurt. I have a reason to feel lonely. I have reasons to not enjoy my life right now. I feel like my feelings and emotions are justified with all that has been happening. But why do I second guess myself. Why do I let someone else dictate if I should guilty about my hurts.

 

I slept about two hours and have been up since. As I reflected this morning I am trying to be positive. I first realized that my first reaction to all of this week’s events only made me angry and bitchy. It hit me, I hadn’t gone to God about any of this. Since I was awake in the wee hours of the morning I sat outside, listening to worship and prayed. I was disappointed in myself for not going first to the only source that can give me peace. The intense emotions had lessened. I felt God’s presence and his peace. Things are not okay, but spending time with God reduced my anger and made me think in a different way.

Reframe my thoughts.

I talk about this all the time with clients and it has been engrained into me as well. I just don’t always do it or do it well. All the things I am so angry about, hate, hold resentment about; I need a new perspective. My anger with Kevin about all the things I ask for him to help me with and don’t get done, the expectations I have that I think are within a normal relationship, his drinking, his lack of help, lack of motivation, lack of really doing things to make our relationship/situation doable for us to survive. I will reframe my words.

·         Thank you Lord that I am healthy and able to mow the lawn

·         Thank you Lord that my husband is alive because of you

·         Thank you Lord that my husband loves me and is faithful to me

·         Thank you Lord that when my husband doesn’t understand, You are always there

·         Thank you Lord for a husband that supports my decisions and choices

·         Thank you Lord that when we disagree, Kevin is still gentle and kind

·         Thank you Lord that my husband does not yell at me

·         Thank you Lord that my husband does his own laundry, and better than I could

·         Thank you Lord that I can call a handyman to get the little tasks done around the house. Instead of getting angry at Kevin, you provide outside sources that can get things completed in my time frame

·         Thank you Lord that I am able to find resources to strengthen our communication

·         Thank you Lord that my husband goes to church with me every week

·         Thank you Lord that my husband has skills that I do not

·         Thank you Lord that my husband is great at making conversation with new people and takes the heat off when we are around new people.