Ramblings

 feeling incredibly overwhelmed. i have not had this many days in a row of feeling so down and having thoughts of wanting to self harm and just thoughts of not wanting to be alive. i have no plans, but i know what i could do. i have no intent. i just want to go to sleep and never wake up. the anxiety and icky feelings that are inside me feel like they are too much. i realize that as time goes by these thoughts usually dissipate. i also am aware that there could be multiple factors. some i can fix, some i cannot. i have been having nightmares for over a week. they come when i am sleeping at night and during my naps if i can get one in. mostly about d. i know i am safe. i know i am not being harmed. it brings up so many terrible memories of being abuse, being lied to, manipulated, and having safe and true relationships ripped from me. it makes me sick. i can't believe how long i let things go on and how i have let it affect me. i am excited to see my god kids in a month when i go to cali, but it is a constant reminder of how belittled and worthless i was made to feel. how out of control i was and under the control of someone else. i do miss the friendships that i was torn from, lied about, and the rejection. i hate feeling helpless that there was nothing i could do or say to change the situation. 

i have also tapered off my Prozac 80 mg since January. i am currently on 40 mg. i felt okay up until this past week, well four days. it could have something to do with this, but i really don't know.

i am upset about my weight. i had done well losing weight and feel like i am working out so hard. i was down to my wedding weight. i have been trying not to use any weight loss medication, but i have done it this week. i am so disgusted with how i look. i don't want to fall back into this pattern. i have done pretty well resisting using them. 

i am also anticipating my trip to montana. i am excited to go. T invited me along with our other close cousins to come visit his new home. he and his girlfriend are there now, but she is leaving the 19th. the rest of us were not able to go until next week. i am excited to see my cousins but also creating huge expectations in my head of T. he and i are staying the first night just him and i. my three other cousins will join the next two nights. last time our cousins were there as well and that did not stop us. i want to be with him. i am planning on it. which makes me a terrible and awful person. i fantasize about what it may be. i know full well i am in the wrong. i do not care, but i think it is affecting me.

i also feel very distant from god. i know he will never leave me, but i feel like he is gone. i have a hard time praying for myself. i have no problem praying for others. i try to pray but i feel like it is fake because i know what my intentions are. i don't want god to change my thoughts. i want to do what i want to do. at least that will bring me some joy and connection. i sit in church and feel like a terrible person. i listen and try to apply things to my life. i know he is truth. i know his ways are way better than mine. i have so much head knowledge, but my flesh is very week. i can't feel him in my heart. i think i will go to hell. i really want to be a good person and a light to others. i am just really bad about doing it. i am just a bad person.

i feel lonely. i feel hate towards the friend that i had at church. not really like i hate her, but i hate that i have lost a friend to someone else because they have a baby. i hate it that i cannot have a baby. i hate that i will never be able to raise a little girl and have fun, creative, teachable moments. i will never be able to guide or direct her, watch her play sports, have fun birthday parties, sing songs, dance parties, or support her when she is down. i will never be able to know what it is like to hold her when she is sad, go on vacations, experience things with her. i am mourning the loss of not being able to be a mother. i am bitter towards those who have kids. this is not supposed to be how my life is. 

i wish i had a mom. i am sad that i don't have someone i can call and turn to. i hate that i can't just call a mom and vent, laugh with, argue with, or someone who can just hold me and give me a hug. i want those words from a mom. i want the comfort. i will never have this. i didn't have this, but i know what it would have been like.