All Adding Up

 

I think all the little and medium things have just built up causing me to just feel so hopeless and overwhelmed. When I think of each thing on it’s own, it is not likely that individually such a huge emotional reaction.

One positive thing is that while is was in Montana, my cousin did tell me that this was the best he had seen me than the last two times I have been there this past year. I did not realize that I had come off as stressed or sad the last two times I had been there. So that made me feel like the treatments I am doing now are actually very helpful.

Another thing that was interesting was that I was talking about my mom to a cousin and she stopped me and said, “did you see that?” I was not sure what she was talking about, but apparently as I talked about my mom my right arm began to twitch. She has also read, the body keeps the score and pointed out to that my body was having a visceral reaction to what I was saying. This was just interesting to me, because I have never noticed this within myself before.

I think things have been subconsciously hard with things about my mom. I was in Montana for my uncle's funeral at the same time I had been with my mom in the hospital unsure of her outcome four years ago. Then the anniversary of her death was last week. I wasn’t thinking much of it, but talking to one of my friends this week, she also reminded me of how the body keeps the score, even when we are unaware. She pointed out that maybe my low mood and emotional week could be coinciding with my state of mind/emotions from four years ago with my mom’s stroke, sitting overwhelmed and in fear in the hospital with my mom, and then her death. I also was in the middle of moving states at that time and hadn’t seen Kevin for like a month, since I had been in CA and he was already in KY. I don’t know, it just gave me something to think about and maybe some reason that I feel so off.

I have been having terrible nightmares. Kevin woke me up one night because I was yelling loudly. I remember my dream being very upset and frustrated with him because in my dream we had a leak in the ceiling. I had been wanting him to fix it, but he kept delaying getting it done. The leak worsened and the cost to fix it now was insanely expensive. I was yelling at him why he put us in the in this situation, why he took so long, and now he had caused something that was a small inexpensive fix into a huge problem that had to be fixed and we couldn’t afford. And this is an ongoing issue and he has not changed at all.

Another dream that I have had repeatedly is driving in my car and my breaks going out. I am not able to stop and having my car be out of control, running off the road, crashing, running into people, and having scary car accidents.

Another is a dream that I have gone to church and am trying to leave. I cannot find an exit and no one is helping me. I am either ignored or pointed towards a direction that does not have an outlet. I find myself trying to go from a room, looking for an exit, and then not being able to find my way back to the original room. I am trying to remember markers or familiar objects, but I cannot get back to where I started. The church is familiar, a church that I attended when I was in high school. I see people I know but no one will direct me to the right place. Many are dismissive of me. I can see the outside. I can see the parking lot, but there is no door leading outside. At one point I am shown a door that I would never had noticed. It does open and I can see outside. I can’t leave because I have to go back and get my mom. I can never find the room where I left my mom. I can never get out of the church.

Another dream I am traveling. I return home and get a ride to a market. I am waiting for someone from my family to pick me up to take me home. I call my mom, my dad, my sister. No one answers. I am stranding in this place that I do not know. Of course DeeDee shows up and is willing to give me a ride, but I am scared. I continue to try to get a hold of family. She follows me around. At one point she offers a ride again, but then she is gone. Almost like a manipulation. Like she was never going to give me a ride in the first place. I don’t know where I am. I have nowhere to go.

My work out place is doing a challenge. It is to see who can get the most points. You get points by losing weight and points for increasing muscle mass. My entire group is doing it. I struggled back and forth about participating. I hate that I cannot participate in something that is good for me and with people. I decided that it is not worth it. I know I will get overly obsessed and track numbers insanely. I did however get the body fat and muscle mass scan done. It is disappointing.

I am worried about my dad. I have been trying to get in touch with him. Sunday we were on the phone about 8 times, but he could not hear me. Apparently the audio on his phone was not working or turned off. He texted me to call my sister to help with the phone and also about dinner. I called my sister and she said she was in the middle of something, but would go down and check on him. My dad was texting me about how lonely he was. I tried to text with him back and forth, but he is not really good at that. Hours later I texted my sister again. It was late, around 10 pm. She said she never went down to check on my dad but sent him an email detailing how to fix the audio on his phone. My dad sent me a very sad email telling me that he had been waiting for my sister since 4pm and had made dinner for her and the grandkids. It is just heart breaking. I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know how to make my sister understand his needs the way I see them.

I had my consult with IVF doctor this week. It was mostly informative. I went alone, Kevin was gone for three days with friends from work. Really he went over risks, potential that egg quantity and quality may be low or not viable, and numbers concerns about missing chromosomes/problems with embryos for my age. I already knew this. It sounded more discouraging. I mean he talked about the capability to test each embryo for to find out ahead of time if there would be concerns, and at that point be able to decide what to do. I don’t want to play God. I want a healthy child, but it seems terrible to be able to know and then make a decision. I know that I don’t have to have the testing done, but if they do test and there are some that are healthy and others not, I would choose to have the healthy embryos implanted. He also talked about the possibility of doing a fresh implant vs a frozen implant. Frozen we can do the testing. Fresh we cannot. But there is a better chance from embryos to survive by doing a fresh transfer. I do not like all the options that make this all more robotic instead of natural. We are right now moving forward. I am have three medications that I am starting orally. I am overwhelmed with the addition of medications. I already feel like I am taking so many things. I think I am about at 11 pills currently daily. Adding three more is so overwhelming. Two of them have to be taken three times a day. All in all I know this is not a huge deal, but it feels impossible to me. In three weeks, I have lab work and an ultrasound scheduled.

This whole freak out with spravato is stressing me out. Thankfully I don’t have another treatment until next week, but I am scared.

I was able to have a conversation with my cousin. There were so many things that came up. One I hated that during my uncles service when I was having a hard time, that I wanted to be comforted by him. This is when it hit me that this has gone too far. I was able to talk to him about this. Thursday night I went to bed early before anyone else. He knocked on my door later and asked if he could talk to me. I had it in my mind that I wanted to talk with him. I was not prepared and not even sure what I was wanting. We started to talk, it felt so good to see him. It didn’t help that we had the conversation in the bedroom. We slept together. The next day was the funeral. I had started my period that day which I was thankful about and felt easier to be able to have the conversation. That night I did tell him that it was too much that I was thinking about him for comfort. I told him that there is too much emotional and physical attraction. He told me he loved me, I said the same. And we both talked about how our love is not a family love, but more. He did talk about what I was thinking about us. Again I told him that I am not leaving my marriage. He was the same and also mentioned that if we went further with the relationship that our families would probably disown us. This is the first time that it felt like we were talking about a real relationship. I was able to tell him that spiritually that it is better that everything end. He was great and told me he would do whatever I wanted. I told him that I was not being a good example of being a Christian did not want to be the person that lead him away from Christ. I did not leave the room. We just laid in bed together. Then decided to lay in bed naked together. This was not a good decision. We ended up sleeping together again. I am ashamed. Mostly of myself and not being to stay strong, putting myself in a situation where it would be impossible to stay strong, and going against my word. But then I didn’t care. He was respectful and asked before we did anything. Again, saying he would only do what I wanted to do. I gave in. I wanted this. Same thing happened the following night. There is no plan to continue this. We have no reason to see each other. There are no family events. There is no intention of seeing him.   

Seeing my cousin that has molested me was awkward. I was able to tell myself that I was safe. I was able to avoid him for the most part. The times that he was around me I tried not to engage. I had a very superficial conversation with him at one point. I felt strange around him. It bugged me, but I mostly shrugged it off.