Spravato Treatment

 

I am not even sure what happened. I had finished my 3^rd dose of Spravato and could feel myself becoming euphoric. I was trying to talk with Kevin and explain myself, but I could not get my words out as quick as my mind was going. Initially it was kind of silly, like coming out of dental anesthesia. I could hear myself and my actions, but I could not control what I was doing. Everything felt like it was layering or folding on top of each other. I felt the right part of my body feeling numb and expanding, even though no body part or skin were changing. I slapped my arm and felt my face to ensure that I was not morphing into something different. Things began to change quicker. The shapes I saw were morphing and opening. One would close and another open and I would move into the shapes, laying still on a platform, extremities numb, and unable to stop the movements around me. I looked at Kevin and tears began to flow. Everything was going too quickly, and I could not stop it. I had no control. I kept saying that I knew is was safe but that something was wrong. I became paranoid that someone had given me something that was making me feel this way and it was permanent. I felt psychotic, but in my right mind at the same time. The Doctor and another staff member came in. I was panicking. I was wailing at this point unable to catch my breath. I was ugly crying and could not make my mind stop moving. I was terrified.

The doctor had me take deep slow breaths. He guided me in box breathing. It seemed to be helping. Things started to slow down little by little. It felt like forever to get to a place where I could breathe and really hear what the doctor was telling me. Finally, I could hear him say that this was something he had experienced with other clients. I could hear him say that nothing was wrong with me. I am trying to believe him. I keep telling him that the boxes keep on opening. He tells me that others have mentioned similar experiences and to just allow myself to move forward as things are opening. I know I am safe, but I am scared. The doctor asks me if I have a hx of trauma. Apparently, the psychedelic component to the medication can open up unconscious awareness of trauma. This all hits me in a different way. I have stopped panicking. I am still crying, but I can breathe. I am exhausted. I feel heavy. I need to sleep. All I want is the quiet darkness. To close my mind off and escape.

I want to feel nothing. Be nothing. Remember nothing. I want to disappear.