Christmas Eve 2025

 I knew going into Christmas Eve service was going to be hard. Without Kevin, my family, or my besties family that normally join, I was prepared. I could never have imagined how difficult it would have been. I thought I would be sad and have some tears, but it turned into a full on ugly cry, shaking, and heart wrecking experience. I walked into church and sat where I normally sat. I kind of looked around to see if there was anyone I knew around, but I didn’t see anyone. The church was set up beautifully. As the service started, tears just flowed from my eyes. Christmas Eve service was so special to my mom and I always remember her. There were two rowdy obnoxious boys that sat beside me. This did not help at all. I was really trying to focus on the service and the message of Jesus coming into the world for us. I began to shake. I was ready to leave in the middle of service. I didn’t need anyone to see me like this and I did not want to be a distraction. But I did not want to miss anything. I was able to make myself stop crying. Every few moments tears would fall again. I felt so alone. In the middle of a room that was full or people, and this being my place of peace, I was alone. I have not felt this alone in ages. I hated it! Service finished and I got up and got to my car. I started to bawl. I kept telling myself to suck it up, to stop it! I was not going to be a pathetic mess. My tears turned to anger. I was determined to not feel like this, at any cost. I was going home to an empty house. I dreaded being there alone. I decided on my way home that I was going to not eat because I was so angry (I had not eaten at all that day) and I would drink so that I could pass out and not feel.

I got home and told myself, I am not going to let this get the best of me. Me starving myself is not going to help anything. I made myself eat an apple and some chicken. The anger continued. I didn’t care. I sat and drank an entire bottle of champagne. My initial thought was to self harm, but I resisted and drinking felt like the next thing to do. I took my medication and laid down in bed. I felt miserable! I still felt such emotional turmoil. I got up and grabbed a razor. I started to cut my stomach. After two cuts I stopped and realized this is stupid, it hurts, and is not going to solve anything. By this time my medications was kicking in and I knocked out.  

Christmas day came and went. I worked part of the morning. I didn’t have too. Part of me did out of anger towards Kevin for not taking off Christmas Eve. Once home, we did our Christmas, and then I napped. I woke up here and there, but I slept most of the day.

This Sunday I was getting ready for church and I was putting on my deodorant. Kevin was also in the bathroom getting ready. I guess part of my stomach where I cut showed as I was putting on my deodorant. Kevin immediately told me to lift my shirt for him. I told him no. He told me again and again I told him no. He began to get angry and demanded that I lift my shirt. I did and immediately started to cry. I went up to him for a hug and he stood there with his arms crossed, not hugging me. I just kept saying “I’m sorry” over and over again. Eventually he hugged me. I understand him being upset, frustrated, and concerned. I was not at all prepared for him to see my cut or to have to explain myself. Kevin has had no clue what I have been going through in my head and emotionally. To him, everything has been normal, so I get the shock of him seeing that I am not okay. There were few words said.

During church the past was speaking about following Christ or the ways of the world. He kept asking us to search our hearts for “is it worth it?” are the decisions I am making worth the immediate gratification of this world, worth the hurt, the pain, the distractions, the fake joy…etc. and when it is said and done, where does it lead me? I can taking nothing with me when I die. Or is it worth it to sacrifice my fleshly desires and follow what Christ has for me, his will, his path- even thought it is not easy all the time, but ultimately his heavenly gift of life eternal and his kingdom. Do I want to risk everything for in reality; nothing? It hit home differently this time. Not that I am living this terrible sinful life, but in my daily choices of what to think, what to engage in, what I choose; if I ask myself “is it worth it” how will things change? I mean, really only for the better as far as my spiritual life, my mental health, emotional health. I need to keep at the front of my mind the sacrifice God made by sending Jesus to earth for my sins. My past, present, and future sins. The terrible death on a cross on my behalf. Daily it is a struggle to keep my mind set on this. If I could, I think my choices would be different.

After church I laid in bed. Kevin came in at some point and told me that Lyla (my best friend Cheyenne’s daughter) had texted him and asked why I am so sad. Again I began to cry. I thought I was containing my emotions. Everyone else around me seems to think all is well, but this little girl can see through me. Kevin was able to talk to her and give her a simple answer that I am missing my family. But to know she noticed, she cared enough to ask, makes me want to work harder and the things I suck at right now. I am blessed to have Lyla in my life. I have been there since the day she was born and she is a huge part of my life. I call her my best friend all the time, because I spend more time with her than I do anyone else. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, but I don’t know how to get rid of the anger and hurt.