Grief

 Today could have not gotten any worse. I was called to the PICU at the hospital today to offer grief counseling to staff that had been caring for a 3 year old for the past two months. He was medically compromised already with a trach and feeding tube. He was originally in foster care, but with the medical complications and the foster parents ages, they could not care for him. The little boy had been on the PICU for two months as they tried to find a new foster home. Eventually, an RN at the hospital became his foster parent. She took him home the week of Christmas. This past Sunday he aspirated and lost oxygen to his brain. They did CPR for 43 minutes. The little boy is back on PICU on a vent, but brain dead. The staff were able to come and talk to me if they wanted to. I heard some very sad stories. The staff had become his family and were really struggling. Today they allowed the biological mom to come up to see him, as they were going to be taking him off the vent. This mom has 4 other children in foster care as well. One of the staff told me the 8 year old brother was there and was asking his brother to wake up. He told him, “It is a beautiful day outside, we need to go play.” They shared how he would walk around and visit his “friends.” He smiled, danced, and gave fist bumps. It was difficult to hear. To talk about loss and special memories with such a sweet sounding little boy. Watching staff cry and break down as this little boy touched so many hearts. I didn’t think it was going to affect me as hard as it did.

Later in the day I got a call from Boston IVF, where we are doing fertility treatment. I had just changed insurance and called yesterday to give them my new policy number. This insurance was going to cover over half the treatments. They women on the phone told me that the insurance was denying my fertility treatments. There is a clause in the policy that states they will not cover any fertility treatment if there has been any voluntary sterilization. My husband had a vasectomy years and years ago. This was what the insurance saw and immediately denied without any questions. The women said they have tried to fight it but had not been successful. My heart sank and tears began to flow. Is this a sign from God that he is closing doors? Or is this a test of faith and I am to continue leaning into his promise and pray for a miracle that they will change their mind. I do trust that God has His plan, His best plan in store for me, but it aches. I want to be able to discern what God is wanting me to do. It all felt devastating. They are trying one other option, and I should hear back from them at some point. The entire purpose of going on this insurance, that I hate, was because of the fertility benefit. I feel at such a loss.

This evening my dad called. I asked him about the gold coins and what he gave to my sister and brother in law. He was very excited to tell me about cashing out the coins and giving 45k to my sister and brother in law to purchase land and how great an investment it was. He then told me how he gave the last 4 gold coins to my nieces and nephews. I asked him what was left and he said nothing. I told him that I did not think that this was a wise decision and the money was intended for him. If he did not need it, once he passed, it was to be split 50/50 between me and my sister. I also told him that my mom had already set aside 4 coins, outside of the other coins, specifically for the grandkids. Again, tears became to fall. What the fuck is happening? How could my sister let this happen without my involvement. I had already told her a couple months ago that I wanted to be a part of the conversation surrounding the coins and cashing them out. I let my dad just talk. At the end of the conversation I told him that my feelings were hurt regarding the coins. He told me, “lets put that on the backburner” and got off the phone. I am so incredibly hurt,