2/29/2016
I got in last night from TX. I slept in late, which felt good. Kevin and I were supposed to go to my friends house in long beach for a get together. I had been looking forward to it since Kevin was going to be able to meet 3 of my friends and their significant others. Well Kevin said he was too tired to go. I was really disappointed, but I couldn’t make him go. I slept the rest of the day. I got up in the evening and started cleaning. I could feel my anger boiling. Kevin asked what was wrong and I said nothing. I went to my room and broke down. Kevin came in and asked what he could do. He tried to put his hand on my back and I immediately pulled away. I was so pissed off at him. In my head I was so angry that he hadn’t gone with me to my friends, I was angry with him for every little thing I could think of. Most if it was irrational I knew, but I was still fucking angry with him. All my emotions and feelings I had held in came rushing out. He walked out of the room out of frustration. Then I was even more pissed that he left me. I couldn’t control myself. I sat in the closet just crying. I felt like I was having a huge tantrum. Not because I wanted Kevin there, but because there was so much flooding out of me and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I feel like I reverted to childhood- or like how a child doesn’t know how to cope with heavy emotions- that was where I was. I felt such anger, hopelessness, helplessness, desperation, anguish, pain, and turmoil. I wanted to die. I hit the wall and tried to battle the suicidal and self harming thoughts. I wanted to jump up and take a bunch of pills and just drink to not feel. The urges to cut would not go away, especially because I was hurting so bad inside. Nothing helped so I grabbed whatever I could and just started cutting across my stomach. Almost immediately the out of control feeling subsided. I was still crying, but that ugly crazy feeling was gone. I probably cried for a good 4 hours. I was still angry at Kevin (for no reason) but I finally asked him to come in the room. He came in and I apologized but told him how I was feeling and my thoughts. He told me that I need to come get him in those moments. It felt so contradictory. He knew I was crying, he never once checked on me, he left me initially- so if he knew I was having a hard time and he cared he would have come. I didn’t want to tell him initially that I had hurt myself, but I was able to be honest with him about it the following day.
I got in last night from TX. I slept in late, which felt good. Kevin and I were supposed to go to my friends house in long beach for a get together. I had been looking forward to it since Kevin was going to be able to meet 3 of my friends and their significant others. Well Kevin said he was too tired to go. I was really disappointed, but I couldn’t make him go. I slept the rest of the day. I got up in the evening and started cleaning. I could feel my anger boiling. Kevin asked what was wrong and I said nothing. I went to my room and broke down. Kevin came in and asked what he could do. He tried to put his hand on my back and I immediately pulled away. I was so pissed off at him. In my head I was so angry that he hadn’t gone with me to my friends, I was angry with him for every little thing I could think of. Most if it was irrational I knew, but I was still fucking angry with him. All my emotions and feelings I had held in came rushing out. He walked out of the room out of frustration. Then I was even more pissed that he left me. I couldn’t control myself. I sat in the closet just crying. I felt like I was having a huge tantrum. Not because I wanted Kevin there, but because there was so much flooding out of me and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I feel like I reverted to childhood- or like how a child doesn’t know how to cope with heavy emotions- that was where I was. I felt such anger, hopelessness, helplessness, desperation, anguish, pain, and turmoil. I wanted to die. I hit the wall and tried to battle the suicidal and self harming thoughts. I wanted to jump up and take a bunch of pills and just drink to not feel. The urges to cut would not go away, especially because I was hurting so bad inside. Nothing helped so I grabbed whatever I could and just started cutting across my stomach. Almost immediately the out of control feeling subsided. I was still crying, but that ugly crazy feeling was gone. I probably cried for a good 4 hours. I was still angry at Kevin (for no reason) but I finally asked him to come in the room. He came in and I apologized but told him how I was feeling and my thoughts. He told me that I need to come get him in those moments. It felt so contradictory. He knew I was crying, he never once checked on me, he left me initially- so if he knew I was having a hard time and he cared he would have come. I didn’t want to tell him initially that I had hurt myself, but I was able to be honest with him about it the following day.
I barely managed to work on Monday. I went to work with puffy swollen eyes. My boss had called me in the morning that she would not be in so I was supposed to run the meeting with all of the directors. I have done it before, but I was not sure how I was going to compose myself to do this. I did all of the paper work and had everything prepped for the meeting but I was also crying at 9:55 and the meeting was at 10. Luckily with everything I had done it really needed to be read off the paper the statistics and clinical information. My colleague (who is also a good friend) took it and ran the meeting for me. I barely made it through the day. I had told myself that I was not going to group that night and in fact I was going to give myself a week off. My friend at work bluntly told me that I needed to go, that it wasn’t a choice. She reminded me that if I just go home and get into bed that I am repeating the pattern that I have done for years. She told me the old wasn’t working and I needed to try something new and push myself to go. There isn’t going to be any growth or changing if I stay in my old patterns. She was right, but I still had to have some control. I called them and talked to the dietitian there. I told her I would come but I couldn’t handle being weighed. We went back and forth and she wanted me just to come but wasn’t able to make the decision about the weight alone. I was just so nervous and ashamed of my weight gain. I couldn’t handle for someone else to see it. The treatment team agreed that I could do my weight another night. With this plan set up I was able to get myself to go. It was a difficult night. I didn’t talk much at all, but it was a safe place to be at.
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