Family

As I prepared to go to see my family for a week I really challenged myself to not try to please everyone, to be myself, and to stay out of the role as the peace maker. Kevin joined me for this trip, which was wonderful. We arrived on Saturday 2/20/16. My dad came to the airport to pick us up which he never does. He is always too tired to come. He was ecstatic to see me and to meet Kevin. I really think he came only because Kevin was coming.

             It was good to see everyone. The baby was so adorable and to see my nieces and nephews after so long was great. I have missed out on so much, especially with the little ones. They have grown so much and are talking and walking. Carrigan became especially close with Kevin. She adored him and he adored her.

            Kevin got along great with everyone-I knew he would. My mom talked to me the first day about my weight and how I looked to thin and unhealthy. I affirmed her that everything was fine. In the days to come it was brought up multiple times about my color looking like the kids that my mom used to care for in South America who had malnutrition, that my face looked sunken in, and more questions about if I was really okay. My mom recommended that I see a Doctor and a nutritionist. This would have been the perfect opportunity to open up to her, but I wanted to protect her from worrying about me.

            From Sunday – Wednesday morning things were going well. I was maintaining my same weight; there had been no arguing, and no negative interactions between my dad and myself. I had fun with the girls playing outside and taking them to gymnastics. I was triggered at gymnastics. Two nights in a row I brought Cadence to practice. Her coaches were twin girls. The looked just like Knewenle. Their body shape was the same, there skin color, their hair, their glasses- all resembling Knewenle. They also did gymnastics, which Knewenle did. It just made my heart ache for her. I miss her so much. Again I have pushed the thoughts of her death behind me not wanting to believe she is gone. But it was a big slap in the head to have it in front of me- knowing she is gone.

I did sink into trying to keep the peace. I had been on edge the previous days without saying things and I couldn’t take it anymore. I was igniting fires before they blew up- most of which involving my dad. He just doesn’t get it. He would talk to Cadence about things irrational that she has no control over. Like telling her he thinks the living room needs to be rearranged so that there is more play area for the little kids- She has no control over that and she just looked so uncomfortable sitting with my dad. My sister was in the room but didn’t say anything. The longer I waited my dad became more frustrated with Cadence and she looked like she was crawling out of her skin. So I jumped in. I kindly let my dad know that Cadence does not have any say about the furniture and that she is too little to move things. He ended up dropping it, but the conversation arose again later. I felt like I had to protect Cadence. I never want her to feel that awkward uncomfortable feeling. I know what it is like and it sucks!

Wednesday night I broke when I went to bed. I was holding in so much and I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. The rest of the week continued like this. I really tried to be aware of myself and my feelings- talking to myself that I do not have to protect anyone/I don’t have to fix things/this is not my role. It just became way to difficult to stop and my anxiety shot through the roof without saying anything. Friday night was the worst. I had gone shopping in the day with my mom. She subtly pointed out a wedding dress shop towards the end of our shopping. She asked what kind of wedding dress I thought I would like. I felt like shit. I knew she wanted to go have me try on dresses with her. I asked her why she didn’t ask me to do this at the beginning of the week. We had had so much time. Now I was leaving the next day and we couldn’t stop now to look because we had the babies. I just felt so horrible. I was depriving my mom of something she so badly desired to do. I didn’t have any desire to look at dresses, but I would have done it for my mom. I know it is important to her.

Later that evening my mom talked to me about my dad. She was so discouraged with how his mental health declining, his bizarre behaviors, and his anger increasing. My mom is so embarrassed at things that he is doing. He has caused a huge scene at church again and is not going, he is so delusional he thinks that my mom’s boss has stole $17,000 dollars from the agency (which she hasn’t) but he writes her nasty letters, and he got so angry at a girl at my mom’s work that he shoved her against a wall. That part floored me. I know that my dad was abusive to me, but I never heard of him hurting anyone else. And that wasn’t even all of it. Apparently the last visit he had at my sisters he kicked and pulled my brother in law’s niece because she was being disrespectful. I did all I could to hold back my tears. He denies that what he did was wrong at all.

That night I was hysterical as I went to bed. I was done- over it- and ready to leave asap! I just feel all the pain that I know my dad must be going through. He is not understood, people think he is crazy, he is so depressed and feels worthless, and I know he feels unloved. It kills me. I never want to know how badly a parent is doing. It breaks my heart. But he also pisses me off. I can’t be angry with him though, all I do is hurt for him. I hurt for my mom dealing with all of this and the embarrassment. I hate that she wants to move back to TX and my dad is preventing it. It was hard to see my sister down. I know she hates living where she is and she gets the worst postpartum depression. Uhg, hearing her cry is the worst. I can’t talk to her. It is too strange and uncomfortable.

For myself I felt disgusted with myself. I had done so god eating but with pressure I felt ill. The last 4 days I ate. And of course I gained weight. It freaked me out when I weighed myself Saturday. I had gained 4 pounds in 4 days. I cried and cried. I can’t even eat normal and I gain weight. I was so scared because if I eat normally in a month’s rate I would gain 30 pounds. This consumed my thoughts. I could feel my skin stretching and my shape changing. I found myself purging because I felt so gross. I needed to get back to get back into my routine. Saturday leaving could not have come soon enough!