Word Vommit 3/7/16

I watched the movie called The Road Within. It is a movie about 3 teenagers who are battling anorexia, tourettes, and OCD. I did watch through some tears. It was a serious movie but did have aspects of humor. The boys were so funny! I did really identify with that girl with anorexia. Especially her feeling so fucked up with the reality of what true love really is. She was the incapable of receiving love. I really identified with all of them. I lost it when the OCD kid was crying saying that he hates his disease and would do anything to get rid of it, but he couldn't. I feel so much the same with depression and ongoing thoughts of self harm and despair.

 

I started reading the book, Courage to Heal. My therapist recommended it. I have been so effected by the trauma work that others are working on it makes me have panic attacks, crying spells, and at times disassociations. I have to deal with my own trauma so that I don't shut down and can truly process things.

 

I am going to talk to group tonight about my intense feelings of restricting the past week. I can not handle my weight right now and have resorted to going to extremes to lose some weight. I know it is all delusional but I can feel my skin stretching and feel like I have additional pounds around my waste and lower body. I feel disgusting and physically feel my body changing.

 

I was able to go to church on Sunday. It was really good and I just felt at peace when I was there. The message was good. I really like the pastor there. I cried a lot. I have cried a lot over the weekend just really really missing my friend Knewenle. There was a family in church and one of their daughters resembled her so much. I have been doing well with the mourning, but every the past days have been unbearable with the memories and aching for her to be here.

 

When I was sitting in church yesterday I had a flashback from when I was about 10. I was at camp in Montana. It was a pretty liberal camp- and they always had this carnival at the end of camp. There was a kissing booth- I now can not for the life of understand why they would have this. I remember being the one in the kissing booth. There were several people, but I have this one guy, a camp counselor that sticks out significantly. He would come through and kiss me on more than one occasion. He was in his early 20's. I remember being sexually aroused by this.  again, I don't know if this is anything important or just a memory. I don't feel like it was abuse by any means. Just strange. But I also had both men and women kissing me. I know that one guy paid close attention to me throughout my time there, but other than that I don't remember anything.

Kevin has been getting frustrated with my body image thoughts and my increase of emotions. Things that he says have thrown me into tears. I have interpreted his comments as yelling at me which triggers abuse. He really isn't yelling but that is how I hear it. I also just fear his rejection. And it feels lonely not to feel like I can share because it frustrates him. I don't think he wants to hear about things (mostly the eating disorder). he just tells me- it isn't that hard to eat, or gets upset when I share how uncomfortable I am with my body. I don't want or need him to give me positive feed back, I just share so he knows where I am at in my head.