Since I left Pacifica it's been different. Well, one, if I set my mind to something I will do it. Mostly to prove myself wrong. So I haven't tracked my weight and been eating whatever I want. There has been 1 pound in weight gain and I am okay with that.
One week ago I was seeing both my therapist and psychiatrist. I knew I was being weighed and I knew I had to make a commitment to doing the PHP program in Long Beach. My stress level was through the roof and I was in distress over my weight being taken.
Leading up to this, my weight obsession came back full force. My thoughts hourly began to ruminate on food intake and how to lose weight. I began cutting down on what I had been eating, and weighing myself multiple times a day. I had to be prepared for someone to see my weight.
Knowing that someone is going to see my weight when I start this program in July has only progressed my thoughts, restricting, weighing myself, and critiquing every inch of fat over my body. I am obsessed with losing weight. I have bought another scale and hide it, weighing myself at least 5 times a day. I spend hours a week looking in the mirror looking at my flaws. I am taking pictures of all the areas I want to change. I have started to work out- not much, but at least 2 times a week. I have to get to a certain weight before the program sees my weight. I am so embarrassed of how I look and my size. I know this is stupid. I know that I am only 1 pound more than I was in March. But that fear of being weighed supercedes any reality.
One week ago I was seeing both my therapist and psychiatrist. I knew I was being weighed and I knew I had to make a commitment to doing the PHP program in Long Beach. My stress level was through the roof and I was in distress over my weight being taken.
Leading up to this, my weight obsession came back full force. My thoughts hourly began to ruminate on food intake and how to lose weight. I began cutting down on what I had been eating, and weighing myself multiple times a day. I had to be prepared for someone to see my weight.
Knowing that someone is going to see my weight when I start this program in July has only progressed my thoughts, restricting, weighing myself, and critiquing every inch of fat over my body. I am obsessed with losing weight. I have bought another scale and hide it, weighing myself at least 5 times a day. I spend hours a week looking in the mirror looking at my flaws. I am taking pictures of all the areas I want to change. I have started to work out- not much, but at least 2 times a week. I have to get to a certain weight before the program sees my weight. I am so embarrassed of how I look and my size. I know this is stupid. I know that I am only 1 pound more than I was in March. But that fear of being weighed supercedes any reality.
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