I woke up yesterday feeling normal. No anxiety, no stress (and there should have been- late notice I had to compile a bunch of different reports and run a directors meeting that I was not prepared for at all). It is so strange how I can go from feeling depressed/crazy/dissociating to being fine.
These last 2 weeks have been miserable. I have been in a very awkward state. I think it was dissociating but I am not sure.
I have been in a constant state of nervousness. It has become worse over the last week. It began with shakiness and anxiety. My pulse ranged from 99 - 112 continually. The depression crept up slowly, until it felt unmanageable. I had chest pains, difficult time breathing, headaches, tension, upset stomach, constant fatigue, restlessness, confusion, amnesia, no concentration, could not focus, and nausea. 4 days out of the past week and a half I have gotten so anxious that I have started throwing up. I had 3 days where I could not eat at all. I tried to make myself, but I would throw up immediately- even water. I felt so out of control of my body. I had this weird sensation where my neck was never comfortable. It was painful to have my neck on a pillow, flat, prompt up by my hands, on a cushion... no matter how I had it, it felt so weird and hurt- hurt in an awkward way that I had to change how it was over and over. Kind of like a tension. I know I could feel it when I was thinking about it, but my thoughts always seemed to focus on my neck. It felt like it wasn't part of my head or like it was trying to fit, but couldn't.
By the next week things worsened daily until my speech, ability to write, my memory, and my focus were shot. Some days I could not make complete sentences, I placed wrong words in sentences, I misspelled words, I left out letters in words, I wrote down numbers (like medical record numbers, addresses) in the wrong order, I miscalled several places because I wasn't dialing correctly- I could not concentrate from reading a number on a paper to immediately transferring the information elsewhere. My hypervigilence was as strong as it has ever been- almost to the point of paranoia. I was terrified that Kevin would think I had lost it. I tried so hard to put a smile on and act normal. He knew something was wrong. I broke down a couple times but for the most part I broke down while I was alone. He couldn't do anything, I couldn't do anything. All I could explain is that I felt like someone else was running my mind and body. And that it felt terrible and I was scared. He got scared- which is why I stopped telling him about it. I would try to go to bed and just tell him I was tired. But I couldn't sleep either. My mind just went from one thing to the next. I tried to close my eyes and will it to stop, but that failed.
I was so light headed and dizzy that I had to hold on to things at times to keep from falling. My thoughts raced to where I had no clue what was going on.I really thought I was going crazy. I had lost all control of how my body responded to things. This past Friday was the worst. I had such a hard time with everything. I could not write legibly. Forms that I can do in 2-3 minutes, it took me 45 minutes to complete. I had to write very slowly to make sure the letters and numbers were legible. I had to redo the forms over because I wrote down the wrong information, misspelled, or my hand was so shaky that the letters did not come out as letters. I tried to draw a straight line on a piece of paper. No matter how hard or slowly I tried I couldn't do it. My body from head to toe tremorred and shook. My head visibly was shaking. I was throwing up, terrified to talk to anyone- which really I couldn't do anyways. I couldn't drive either.
I tried to keep in control. I have never prayed so hard. I talked to myself constantly, telling myself to stay in the moment, to focus, to read carefully, and telling myself stop over and over.
Monday I woke up and it was like nothing had ever happened. The entire day was a breeze. No anxiety, no depression, no awkward feelings- everything felt back to normal. I woke up today feeling the same way. Towards the later afternoon I felt the nervousness, fogginess, and the weird tension in my neck, but it was manageable.
I know a lot of this can be simply explained by dissociating. But I think there could be several other causes. I think anxiety, hormones, stress, and medical problems could be the cause of some of the symptoms if not all.
My hormones or something has been off. I have always always had a consistent period with exact number of days in between. This month after my period I started to have abnormal bleeding, spotting, and clotting. I have gone to the Dr and have an appointment tomorrow morning for an ultra sound, but they don't know what it is. I had a pelvic exam last week when the clotting started to get worse. They were able to tell me that there was nothing abnormal about my ovaries and such. She has me doing some lab work as well. But I should hopefully know more by tomorrow if there is any other explanation. All of this could cause a number of things listed above.
My heart rate and vitals have been so high that this could cause some of the symptoms.
I also am doing going to see a specialist regarding some abnormal labs. I have pancreatitis and some abnormal level in the way my body is digesting fats and starches. This could explain the nausea, stomach aches, stomach pain...
I am under an incredible amount of stress at work. This I know can cause dissociation as well as just being "off". I have had a ton put on my plate. Things that are important that I need to fix, facilitate, and covering other departments job. My director has been out quite a bit over the last week and a half, so a lot of her work has been designated to me- things that have to be completed correctly that flow over into all of the other departments here at the hospital. This on top of trying to train someone for my job, training new hires, and transitioning my work over to someone else has been incredibly difficult and challenging. It is things I can do, but I don't have the ability, focus, or time to be doing. It is scary when I am also unable to focus, concentrate, speak coherently, write correctly, and feel absolutely crazy. All of this could play a lot into the symptoms that I have been experiencing.
Maybe my medications need to be adjusted. I don't know, but I do know that I can not function in that capacity of that state. I truly thought, well Kevin though I was going to have to be hospitalized by the end of last week. I wasn't present in my body. Again, I wasn't depressed but I couldn't do anything for myself. I couldn't feed myself, cut my food, walk by myself, and was not able to communicate anything except that I was terrified and didn't know what was happening. I kept thinking that I was going to get to a place that I wouldn't know what I was saying/doing/or knowing who I was.I was falling apart emotionally, physical, and mentally.
I am so thankful that yesterday and most of today things have felt good/normal. The fear that this will happen again is scary and likely. I know I have to drive to the PHP program daily and have to be present. It scares me to think what if I can't what if I have a breakdown there and get hospitalized.
No comments:
Post a Comment