Sunday

Having a way off day. It's slowly been building up since late Friday. I hate the way this feels. Feeling so down, out of it, and irritable. I can't even bring a smile to my face. I am trying. I am doing one of my favorite things right now - horseback riding. I don't even want to be here. I want to be in bed. Even that can't make me smile. I don't even enjoy it. It's terrible. I am with my goddaughter and I feel like I can't be what she needs because I can't snap out of it. 

I got up trying to fight these feelings and thoughts. I went to church. My mind raced. I could not stay focused. I couldn't sit still. I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I had to leave. I got up and left. I was going to break. 

I wanted to sleep. I knew i needed to fight against this snd not resort to my old habits, but i felt miserable. I pushed till I just couldn't anymore. 

I had one hour to sleep before I had to leave to go horseback riding. I quickly laid down. I couldn't sleep. My mind raced. I couldn' keep my eyes close or shut off my mind. 

I needed to get a calendar up. This is what my mind was fixated on. Should I buy a calendar? Maybe I could find one that would connect to my mirror so I could see all my appointments everytime I went to the bathroom. This would help since I can't remember shit.