He Knows My Suffering

Wednesday I had therapy. I shared with Barbara the information from my previous post. She pointed out the fact that I had been in prayer daily/multiple times a day during this past episode. She helped me see an ahaaah moment. She brought to my attention that the suffering that I have been feeling God understands. She reminded me when Jesus was in the garden of Gethsemane before he was going to be betrayed and crucified. The suffering, internal pain, and anxiety that he felt paralleled with what I had been feeling and doing. I had been praying earnestly for God to take this suffering and pain away. In the same way Jesus was praying to the point of sweating blood out of the fear, yet acceptance that he was facing. Unlike me, He had accepted the will of God. I began to cry. To realize that God truly knows what I feel. My suffering is not anywhere near the extreme of His, but it became so real to me that He understands. He had physical symptoms like I did out of the anxiety and overwhelming emotions about what was to come. I felt surrounded by his presence. He identifies with me. He loves me. He has walked in the same path of fear, turmoil, and pain. How on earth had I not thought of this before. I feel closer to him. I feel like he is right beside me. And maybe I had to go through this period of time to get to this understanding to create a stronger relationship with God. To make it personal.

Barbara also had me describe Jesus to me. I have a clear picture. It is a picture that I had when I was little. It is a calm picture of Jesus sitting with a lamb. He is dressed in a soft cream cloak with a deep orange, almost a burnt orange wrap. His face is still, gentle, not smiling- but friendly and welcoming. He looks at me like I belong. He is safe and inviting. He is sitting. The photo is not blurry, but a soft grain. Barbara pointed out that the Jesus I see is the perfect picture for what I need Him to be. It is a reflection of me. The calm, gentle spirit is who I am. It is a comforting feeling to have this vision in my head of Him.