9/8/16

It one month to the day that will mark the passing of my friend, my sister.

Today started as normal. I was emotional but that was it, and it didn't last very long. I got to group and I was asked to read part of a chapter. I don't remember the exact context, but the reading started out about a couple in which cancer was diagnose quickly, ending in the death of a loved one. As I read I began to get choked up. Tears just started rolling down my cheeks.  I couldn't read any more. Group was almost done, but I couldn't stop crying. I buried my head into the side of the couch until we were done. I went and sat in the bathroom bawling. I am not sure how long I was in there. Erla came and knocked on the door after some time. I went with her to her office and I let her know what was going on about me missing Knew. I cried for an hour and a half, but talking to her was very helpful. At that point I realized it was exactly one month till the reality of her being gone sunk in. I have tried to deny and deny, pretending this was an evil joke. But it hit me today that this was real. I sobbed and sobbed thinking of all our memories and her amazing personality. How she was like my soul sister, we shared so much in common, she knew me inside and out, I new her in the same. She loved me for me, no judgement no shame. I could be myself, authentic self. Every thing has been reminding me of he: certain songs, TV shows, driving by her exit, street names that like Covina and LaVerne which are places that she has lived. My heart has been heavy. I feel like it is breaking.

Over the last 5 days I have been having melt downs regarding Knewnle. I called her mom. That was all I could do to feel close to her. It was helpful, but it hasn't stopped the frequent crying. I miss her so much. I feel like a part of me is gone. I know in my head that I need to be thankful for our friendship, the years we spent together, an appreciate that God had placed her in my life for a season. But it hasn't reached my heart yet. After therapy I have been thinking of what Knew would want for me. I don't want to move on, but I think she would want me to love myself, honor her, and live for her.