July 27 I flew to Florida to be with Aja, Thai, Katy, Luisa, And Lani. It is always a fun reunion. It is so easy to be with them and relaxing- stress free.
Initially getting there was a process in it's own. I almost was unable to fly out. I haven't had a panic attack in forever. I don't know what caused it. I got to my seat and they told me they had to put my bag underneath because there was no more room. I am always happy when this happens because I don't have to pay for my bag to be sent through to my destination. The stewardess let me know I could go to the back and take anything that I needed out of my bag before they took it. I went to the back and my heart began to race. Within seconds I was panicking, shaking, crying, and couldn't catch my breath. It was strange that it came on so fast. I couldn't find my meds because they were in my bag which now had been taken. They were concerned about me flying because of how I appeared. I asked for water and shook my head that I was okay to fly. She was nice and I think thought I was afraid of flying. So she took me to the front of the plane to meet the pilots. They had both flown in the military and one had been an air force pilot. Although it wasn't necessary, talking to them and seeing the cockpit and all the buttons/systems calmed me down.
I had a couple of days initially in the trip where I felt off. I was being very rigid in my eating and felt depressed. I tried talking to Kevin but he just doesn't understand. His comment to me was "how can you be depressed when you are with friends and have that view?" (I had sent him a photo of my view of the beach from the porch).
I did have a lot of fun. We were able to enjoy the beach, pool, fishing, napping, watching TV, shopping, and just hanging out. It was difficult to stay on my food/meal plan. I did try for a couple of days and then I just didn't care. Although the last day there I was a mess in my head about my body and concern of gaining weight. I weighed myself before, during my time there, and the last day. I didn't gain any weight, but in my head I had. I felt disgusting, large, fat, uncomfortable, miserable, and shameful.
Initially getting there was a process in it's own. I almost was unable to fly out. I haven't had a panic attack in forever. I don't know what caused it. I got to my seat and they told me they had to put my bag underneath because there was no more room. I am always happy when this happens because I don't have to pay for my bag to be sent through to my destination. The stewardess let me know I could go to the back and take anything that I needed out of my bag before they took it. I went to the back and my heart began to race. Within seconds I was panicking, shaking, crying, and couldn't catch my breath. It was strange that it came on so fast. I couldn't find my meds because they were in my bag which now had been taken. They were concerned about me flying because of how I appeared. I asked for water and shook my head that I was okay to fly. She was nice and I think thought I was afraid of flying. So she took me to the front of the plane to meet the pilots. They had both flown in the military and one had been an air force pilot. Although it wasn't necessary, talking to them and seeing the cockpit and all the buttons/systems calmed me down.
I did have a lot of fun. We were able to enjoy the beach, pool, fishing, napping, watching TV, shopping, and just hanging out. It was difficult to stay on my food/meal plan. I did try for a couple of days and then I just didn't care. Although the last day there I was a mess in my head about my body and concern of gaining weight. I weighed myself before, during my time there, and the last day. I didn't gain any weight, but in my head I had. I felt disgusting, large, fat, uncomfortable, miserable, and shameful.
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