Agony

Group today was terrible. It was my first day back since being in Florida. I was in a disconnected and shameful mood from what happened the night before. It still festered in my body and my mind. It was like battling the turmoil. I could hardly focus. I had a panic attack almost immediately after I got there. I made it though weigh ins eventually.  It was our day to go and eat out. It was difficult and very challenging to be present and eat. My body was in extreme pain. My stomach hurt, I had pain under my ribs, and it hurt to walk back. I don't know if this was accurate pain or part of my eating disorder. Regardless I couldn't finish.

My depression grew increasingly worse as the day progressed. We began a genogram. It just was painful to map out everything and face the abuse- literally seeing it out on paper. Everything was just hitting me hard. It all had to do with last night, feeling so gross and shameful about myself. I lost it. I just cried and cried. I was able to make it through dinner and ate everything.

The last group I was not even there. I felt so angry, I felt like life wasn't worth living, and all I could think of was ending my life. I was able to stay to then end, but unable to speak because I was crying so much. The response within myself: the pain and agony were too much to handle. My thoughts of self harming were only present briefly. I didn't want to hurt myself. I was beyond that. I just wanted to die.