I am not sure how I should feel right now. My birthday was a week ago. Kevin and I were in Kentucky with Sean and Cheyenne. On my birthday Cheyenne through me a little mermaid party. It was really cute. I had a little mermaid cake and gifts from Chey. Kevin had no card for me and no gift.
My boyfriend told me happy birthday. That's it. I know I shouldn't expect things, but after last years fail, I thought he would be more attentive. Maybe it is a girl thing, but if I was on a trip with my boyfriend I would bring his gift so that he would get to open his gift on his birthday. I guess I expected too much. He did tell me I could pick anything I wanted to do for my birthday when we got home. I immediately knew. I wanted to go to the mountains and see snow. I also wanted to go eat at my favorite restaurant/bakery in LA.
Saturday we were going to celebrate. Saturday morning I told Kevin that if there was no snow (which it didn't look like) then I would want to go to LA or go to the indoor skydiving. He said no and that he had planned our day. I was a little nervous as to what that might entail. I waited, waited, finally around 3:00 pm I asked what time we were doing things. He said to be ready at 6:00pm. I was so frustrated! I had so much I could have done in the morning and afternoon. Had I known it wasn't till the night I would have gone to see my friend.
We left the house and I knew as soon as we turned on 4th street what he had planned. My heart sunk. He was taking me to the comedy club. I choked back tears. I don't understand. I had given him exactly what I wanted to do, and this... I have no interest in a comedy club. I think he could tell I was disappointed by my face. I tried to smile and I thanked him for bringing me for my birthday. He stated a couple of time, "I feel like you don't like this"... Which was true, but I couldn't tell him that.
I sat through the show holding back tears. I couldn't look over at him because I was so hurt that now this is the 2nd birthday where I have felt unimportant and rightfully so- he forgot last year and pretty much this year. We went to dinner afterwards. He told me it was my choice. I didn't care at all by that time. I just chose the closest place. It was quiet during dinner. I didn't my best to smile and look happy. I felt terrible. I guess I had expectations and hopes for a decent birthday. We had talked about what gifts I would want, where I wanted to go, things I like to do; and now it just seemed like I had talked to a wall.
I got home. I couldn't be awake with him or I would cry. I got in bed and pretended I was asleep.
2 days later I got up and there was a gift card on my purse. There was a note inside that said happy birthday and I will work on this area... So sweet, but again I just got pissed off. There was no thought in the gift, no card, flowers- anything. And now it is 7 days since my birthday. My gift card was to a health food store. Really romantic and a lot of thought put into that!! I need food anyways, so its something I would have to buy regardless. I do like their juice, but not that much. I know Kevin knows I like it, but it is just the first store on the way home from work.
I am still feeling that I don't matter. I am still in tears over the entire situation from my birthday up until my gift. I feel like an ass over it. I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. He remembers everything for everybody else, so why am I looked over. He knew he fucked up last year and was going to make it different this year.
Quick back story, we and my friend Sean had just had a conversation about men doing so much when they are newly dating, but once they're in the relationship the planning, activities, and time spent together ceases. I reminded Kevin about how for the first few months we were dating he would plan something for us to do every weekend. He was so thoughtful and I loved this. But now he doesn't do anything. I have to beg him to go do something. So, I couldn't be mad. He had completely listened to what I had to say- and so he planned my birthday outing. I wanted my birthday to be what I had asked. He told me I could do anything I wanted. And then he took that back. He took it back to plan a surprise himself. The thought was right on, but the timing was so off. If I say something I hurt his feelings and pretty much discount his efforts. If I keep it all in I feel miserable, unimportant, hurt, and it is causing me distance in our relationship. I am just so hurt that it is hard for me to be normal around him. I know this is bratty! I can't help my feelings and I feel trapped in this situation. I am hurt or he is hurt....
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