Reflection

I have been so lazy in my writing. The past few months I have been doing really well. My depression seems under control. My anxiety is minimal. My sleep has improved. I took myself off Trazadone and Klonopin. I wanted to see how I can functions without them. I have done quite well, just a few nights of restless sleep.

I brought in the New Year with Kevin, Sean, & Cheyenne. It was wonderful to get away with my boy and best friends. I couldn't have asked for anything better.

As I reflect on this past year (2016) I can truly say that it has been rough as well as wonderful. The beginning of the year I was so distraught. I was out of the hospital and told that I needed to get help with my eating disorder. I didn't want to at all. In fact I put it off and put it off. I finally gave in and spent 3 months at Pacifica. My insurance stopped authorizing treatment due to the weight loss and refusal to eat. They would only authorize for a higher level of care. I was terrified to gain weight.

The worst feeling I could possibly think of began to arise. I began to have episodes of disassociation. I have never felt so scared, out of control, or absent without knowing it. I would shake and  be at places where I didn't know how I got there. I had periods of time that I couldn't not drive because I had to perception of anything around me and was completely scared that I was going to be hit or cause an accident. This period of time was painful emotionally. Nothing I could do could make it go away. There isn't a medication for disassociation.

I cried out to God daily, pleading that he take away this burden. I would cry and beg to be normal, to make the anxiety stop, to make the fear go away... During this time I had a revelation (with some guidance from my therapist). Christ knew exactly how I felt. His last few days on earth were miserable. He sweated blood as he prayed - sweated blood!! He knew what he was facing. He knew that he would be harmed and killed. The suffering was unreal. He KNOWS exactly the pain, agony, and fear that I was feeling. It gave me clarity in my relationship with God, it made him more human. I had never had this view of Christ before. I am probably not even explaining how much my eyes and heart were open.

This is what I held onto... Psalms 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."

I had to surrender. I had to let go. I had to stop trying to fix things on my own. I had to stop and be still in order to let God work.

I was still supposed to go to an eating disorder program, but was stubborn and unwilling to go. It took 4 months for me to finally give in. I began at Shorline and was there from July- October. I left and returned to work without their recommendation, but I was done. I needed to get back to normality. I learned a lot that I have taken with me and applied. It's not always easy.

I have continued with an outside dietitian and therapy. (Actually I did, but I left my dietitian in December). I am at a  healthy weight. I am not disassociating. I am not anxious. I have energy. I can think clearly. I wake up ready to face the day.

It is black and white looking back at this year. I am so thankful to Christ who has carried me through pain and suffering. I am grateful to those who have loved and supported me this year. It has been a year of growth. I am so thankful to end the year (2016) and being 2017 with hope, joy, and a smile.