FAT

Since Christmas time and allowing myself to eat whatever the fuck I wanted- I have gained weight. Weight that I feel and is making me miserable. I weighed myself 2 1/2 weeks ago. I have not weighed what I do now in over 3 years. This is the highest it has been for a long time. I hate it! I absolutely hate it. All I can see is fat. I am and have been determined to shed this weight off. I have gone from a size 00 fitting loose/fine to now fitting in size 2. It is disgusting.

So for the past 2 1/2 weeks I have been at the gym and have cut down on my intake. Mostly just the bad foods- sugars/carbs/sweets... I am determined to get back to where I was and determined not to fall back into any eating disorder patterns. I am not going to be extreme. I do battle in my head if this is normal dieting, like anyone would do- or if I am starting to restrict. But part of dieting is restricting. The only part that is eating disordered is my thought process. All I think about is food/fat/weight... At least 90% of my day is consumed with what I should eat, not eat, how I can drink a ton of liquid to feel full... I know I need to kick this. I can not and will not allow myself to get back to where I was. I have lost 6 pounds in the last 2 1/2 weeks. I only have 4 more to go.