Catching Up Part 2

Like I was mentioning before, depression and anxiety began to creep in mid December 2018. It was all manageable with medications and just coping tools. I would have a couple days here and there that would wipe me out, but I always made it through.  Starting in January 2019 the episodes of severe depression became longer and more intense. Still they were manageable, but I would have 3- 5 days of being really down. I could still work, but all I would do at home was sleep.

I did begin taking diet pills around this time. I was so completely dissatisfied with my body and self it seemed like the only thing that I could do to control something around me. When my therapist found out it she was quite upset. I had been in touch and she thought that the medications could correlate to the depression. I hadn't been taking them long and they were "all natural" with no amphetamines or illegal meds. But Kevin threw them out. I was terrified. I managed to find them and take out most of the pills from the bottle and keep them separately to ensure I was still going to try to lose wait. Eventually they were gone. I had gone down 3 pounds and still hated myself and still in deep depression. 

February 2019 the anxiety and panic attacks began our of no where. I began to have to use medications for anxiety. I would take small breaks from work and just a decrease in my work load, which is not like me at all. I would leave early some days without a care or concern. My interest and pleasure had completely decreased. I just wanted to be at home and not feel miserable. February 28th was my last full day at work. I began to panic and nothing helped. I walked around the jail, got some air, took my medications (xanax, which at this point I was taking up to 5 times a day with little relief). I had an appointment with my Psychiatrist. He immediately took me off work. I had begun to de-compensated so much. I had, yet hadn't noticed. I knew I wasn't well, but I was pushing and pushing myself to take on and complete everything I could to prove I was okay. I wasn't showering. My appetite was gone. I wasn't sleeping.

I hate the depression and how it effects Kevin. He is at the end of his rope trying to figure out ow to help me. He and I have had several sessions with our Therapist which has helped, but my mood still brings him down. I hate that I cannot change things. The only decent thing out of this is the weight loss. I am down 12 pounds. That is the only good in all of this. Although I am beginning to think that I would rather be happier than thin. This is yet only a beginning thought. I don't believe it nor will I try to gain weight at this point.