All the things continued

Forgot to bring up the idea that i still so desire a child of my own. Realistically I know this probably will not happen. I sit at my friends kids dance class and he so s baseball games and try to smile. I will forever miss out on these experiences with my own. I love watching the parents and kids play and interact. I want this for myself. I crave it. It hurts. My insides turn. I feel at a loss. The one thing that means so much is just not going to happen. 

Also struggling with the topic of belonging. I feel like I still have so many questions about my adoption, childhood, memories…and I will never have then answered. My mom is gone. I will never be able to ask her all the things I want to know. I was too scared to ask bluntly when she was alive. But now that opportunity is gone. I want so badly to see pictures and write down the stories about me. It isn’t fair! 

Weirdly I have noticed, as well as Kevin, that I am weird about food hoarding. I actually am not sure of that is what I would call it. I know I have issues about food. I just see things becoming more evident or maybe I just never pid much attention to things. I tend do hoard and save food. I dont do it as far as grocery shopping, but if we are out to eat and i do not finish my meal I take it home. Most people do. I know myself and I never even eat leftovers, but I have to take them home and keep them in my fridge. Until Kevin threatens to throw it out. Then I beg him to let me keep the food. He gives me a day, but it is never eaten. If I am somewhere where we are picking up food or ordering food, I want everything and I think I need everything. It always ends up never eaten and in the trash. But in the moment I need the food. Or I fear I will need it later. I notice this more at hotels where breakfast is served. I will take a tray of everything back to the room. I need to have it in case I need it later. I will make waffles, cereal, toast, bagel, eggs, yogurt, fruit, whatever their hot food is, and even duplicates of these. I generally eat a cereal or a yogurt. Everything else is just there for comfort or fear. I do not eat any of the other things. But I have to get them. Then I feel terrible about wasting food and try to save what I can, just in case I get hungry. Kevin gets so frustrated and so do I. I hate wasting food. I hate the feeling that I have, the intense feeling like I have to keep food just in case… but it always goes to waste. Maybe it is self control issues, unable to make decisions , fear or obsessiveness. I tend to do the same with beverages. I always have like 5 cups of things. I have water, coffee, soda, tea, gatorade. I just need to have options and choices. What if I want soda and only have coffee??