Sabotage

Last night I wept! I have not had a breakdown like this over my moms death. I have cried a lot. But never weeping and yelling that this is unfair. I think on some level it was needed. I am emotionally drained today. 

But i do things all wrong. I was in pain so I drank. I drank alone at first. My plan was to get drunk. Well it worked. Not the best way to deal but reverting back to old habits. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone that gets it. Then I feel terrible. I haven’t had sex with Kevin in a while. Partially the trauma shit. Apparently we had sex last night. I don’t remember. I blacked out completely. I was drunk. Kevin told me today that we had sex. I have no memory. That is how I like it. But it is not normal or healthy. It’s the only way I can have sex without pain. But I generally am just tipsy and have recollection. Not this time. Black out drunk!