All the things

Its been a bit since I really word vomited to get all the things out. I am doing well but just not sure if I am coping in the best way or if I am avoiding things by keeping busy and pretending things aren’t going on. I may be doing what I need to do, right or wrong to get by- and maybe that’s okay. But I don’t know. I really don't talk to anyone about what is going on inside. Even though my closest friends are right here...it just doesn't seem to be something I can share. 

Since Kevin is is school and only working 25 hours a week the financial responsibility is left to me. I know that was what was expected and part of the reason we moved, but it is causing a lot of stress. In CA Kevin handled rent completely. My checks covered most of the other bills, my car payment, and paying off debt from In-vetro. Here I am actually making more than what I did in CA, but it feels way more overwhelming. Besides rent, I have had to take on Kevin's car insurance, all the bills, Kevin's insurance, and most things that Kevin was responsible for when he was working full time. I added him onto my medical insurance because that was important to me, not to him. My checks are completely gone when it comes to paying everything, gas for both cars, groceries, and all the other little necessities. I am starting another job in two weeks and interviewing at another job soon. I will do per diem at the other places, so I will be working like six days a week. It is the only way I can figure to make ends meet. I tell myself it is only for a season. Even so, I am still so overwhelmed. Kevin makes enough for his car payment and small things. I get it. This is what I signed up for, but I feel trapped. 

 Kevin's drinking is also beginning to bug me. I don't care that he drinks. I care that he is drinking more and getting tipsy several times a week. He is not fun to talk to or be around when he is like this. He is snappy and sarcastic. When I try to talk about something serious, he just blows it off. I try to talk to him that I can see a difference when he is drinking, but he just says there is nothing different and that I am making it up. When he started school he said that he would stop drinking on the weekdays. That lasted about a week.

I don't like how everyone is dealing/coping with my mom's passing. Not that I am doing things right, because I know I am not. I talk to my dad quite a bit and text with him. He just seems fine. He always says he is doing well and tells me the things that he has done throughout the day. Recently with my mom's birthday and talking about her funeral in Montana he has just seemed cold. HE makes statements that are negative about my mom when she was with us. He makes remarks about her emotionally abusing him and controlling their relationship. I rarely talk to my sister. The end of this month we are headed to Montana for her final service and to lay her to rest by her parents. My sister has no desire to go and wouldn't go, except her husband is making her. I don't understand why she would even question going! My dad is not going. I feel like it is better that he doesn't but still feel like he should have wanted to be there more than he expressed. 

Another "friend" from CA moved to KY too. She is within our same group of friends, and had been my roommate in the past, but I am struggling with her. Without her being in our group of friends, I would not be friends with her. She rubs me the wrong way, she has a history of cheating with my friends boyfriend years ago as well as making out with my boyfriend years ago. I don't trust her. She has never apologized. Even though the guy I was dating at the time I could care less about, and didn't really care for him when we were together, it still enrages me that she would even think she could be my friend with all of this. I don't like her. I am really stressed about all of this. I am feeling very strongly that I need to forgive her and be like Christ to her. But my flesh wants to just be mean. She lives one mile away and is good friends with my best friends who live next door. She is there a lot and if she is there when I am there, I just come home. Everything she does bothers me. I am not sure if I am just being petty, or even really hurt, or if I am just being an ass to her because I think she deserves it. I have tried to be nice and make time to see her as I am trying to change my thoughts and feelings about her, but I don't know what to do about the situation. 

I have relapsed on eating disorder behavior. I have started to abuse laxatives again. I am constantly body checking and weighing myself. I am trying to lose weight. Kevin is also trying to lose weight and of course for men, it seems so easy. He is dropping some weight so I feel like I need to lose weight. 

Overall I just feel like I keep going going going and then sleep in between. If I stay busy I have no room to think or feel. But then those moments creep in where I lose it for a brief moment, then suck it up and move on to the next thing I need to do. I am not really happy. I don't feel depressed- but wavering on the edge. I want to talk more about my mom, but no one really understands. I have been able to talk to my aunts some, which has helped, but it all feels so distant and lonely. Some days I refuse to believe she is gone. I just make up in my mind that she is home with my dad. I want to believe she is still here. It hurts so bad to say that she is gone. It feels like too much. If I start to think about her I start to cry and I don't have time for that. I want to scream and cry, but I have to keep composed. I have to make it seem like everything is good. I don't want to stress Kevin out or start sobbing and he have no clue how to comfort or deal with me. That almost seems more painful- to express and not be understood or a reaction I need. So I don't say a word. It is a lonely place to be.