Too Aware

 

I have had a difficult time in my body. Specifically feeling tense all over and constantly having to remind myself to release my muscles. I am tense. It is causing headaches. I tell myself to let my breath out. I feel a weird sensation in my chest. It is like when you bite into a mint and the rush of freshness and tingly happens. I feel that, but in my chest. it is not comfortable and I can't seem to make it stop. I feel heavy and weighted down. I feel nauseous and fluttering in my belly. I try to take deep breaths. It helps for a moment and then I return to the tightness in my chest and forget to breathe. My heart feels like it is jumping, as though I have been scared. It is flighty and beats quickly. I have been holding tension in my hips and constant awareness of the bad places. If I don't move I can't feel it. 

I have been so consumed with my body and how it feels. I wake each day feeling disgust. I can feel everything. I feel my skin stretching and changing. I can feel each place my skin touches my clothes. Everything is spreading and widening. I feel my skin swell, touching in places it has never touched before. I am overwhelmed by the changes and presence of fat. My legs have not touched in decades. Today when I walked I could feel my thighs touch. I feel like I can't walk. It makes me sick to my stomach. It is difficult to move with the fat and growth of my body. My arms feel heavy. WIth each movement I am revolted.  If I stand still or lay down it stops momentarily. I am not comfortable in my skin. I want to rip it off to make it all stop. I can't stand to look at myself and how much change has happened.