Her

 It all started during the night when I awoke to nightmares that felt like reality. During my dream I kept telling myself that I could withstand her, I could defend myself. In my dream she persisted. She had come to my college bringing Mikayla and her husband. In my dream Mikayla was young, maybe around 6 or 7. She was trying to stay with me in my dorm room and following me everywhere I went. I tried to lose her, I tried to avoid her. She was guilt tripping me about Mikayla and not turning her away as she had come to visit. I told her Mikayla could stay and sleep with me, but that she could not and there was no room. She insisted that there were extra beds and mattresses in the dorm and she would just use that. I told her she could not because it was not just my space, but other peoples space too. She continued to argue it was fine and brought the mattress down to my room. I could feel my insides recoil and feeling so tense. I can't win. I continued to stand my ground that she could not stay. Now it turned into both her and her husband staying. As much as I informed them they could not, they more she persisted. This was my safe space. I didn't want it invaded. Nothing I say changes her actions. 

Getting out of bed I weigh myself. I am distraught. I have barely eaten in days. I had brussel sprouts Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  And some watermelon yesterday. that was it. Well I had allowed myself to have one alcoholic drink. Only having this and the number is higher. I can't even fucking lose weight correctly! I hate myself. I hate my body. I want to rip off all my skin. I wish I could tear it off my body. That would feel good. 

I am trying to accept where I am at. I could care less how anyone else sees me or how they view me. I don't need to prove anything to anyone else but myself. I am not good enough to lose weight. I am not good enough with my work, I am not a good enough Christian. Despite multiple degrees and certifications, it is not enough for me. It may have been enough to prove my parents wrong. To prove that I am better then Emily or can be at least as smart as her. But it doesn't change how I view me. My degrees mean nothing. Anyone can accomplish things if they put there mind to it. This was not for me at all. It was to prove to you that I matter!