So many things are running through my head. I wish I could just make it all stop. I keep trying to be in the moment and not worry or fixate on the things that keep coming up. Yet I find myself reeling about how I can make myself change things or improve. I am blocked by my own mind need to do things accurately.
This foot scrub thing, in reality and clear moments is not a difficult thing at all! But I am stuck on not knowing the exact way to do it. And I am not sure that there is an actual wrong way, but in my mind there is an exact measurement and method. My head has stopped me from being able to practice this technique. I want to desperately do anything I can to help myself. When I start to get things together I become so frustrated and angry with myself because I don’t know specific instructions. Is there a specific consistency? Is the salt supposed to dissolve or still be grainy? How long do I rub it on my feet? If I soak my feet is that with the mixture or just water? Without answers I am so overwhelmed and unable to start because of fear it will be wrong. I hate this about myself. I hate that things that are meant to be simple become so overwhelming and overtake my head space to where I can’t move forward.
The dreams have been challenging. I dreamt two nights ago that Kevin and I had sex, twice. I thought this was real life. Everything felt so real and I was shocked that I didn’t have any anxiety with it or difficulty. I woke up and thought this was all real, that this had happened. I looked over to see if Kevin was in bed. I touched his arm to make sure I was awake and really seeing him. That is when I realized it was all a dream. But I began to feel panicked and fearful. I felt like I had had sex, but that I didn't want to even thought in my dream I was fine. My body felt uncomfortable, like something bad had happened. I have also had dreams of my father's abuse, being murdered, world catastrophes where I have no control over any situation and am going to die because of some thing. It is the feeling of no control that is terrifying. I also have nightmares of that woman who is constantly trying to humiliate me, turn my friends against me, and gaslighting everything. I feel powerless and that there is no way out of the situation.
Discussed in therapy about me not necessarily caring for myself or my needs, I also think that stems from unspoken expectations from others all my life. My mom and other family members always gave me a lot of responsibility for things thinking that I could handle it, And I made sure that I completed everything, but I couldn't handle it Inside I was cringing, anxious, and fearful. My sister did not take over any help with my mom. At 15 I was doing the grocery shopping and driving her to appointments. I was having to load and unload a heavy wheel chair every time we went somewhere. I did it because I had to but also because I loved my mom. But deep down, I knew things would not be taken care of unless I did it. When my uncle had attempted suicide and my parents were trying to find him, I was the one who had to drive them around looking for him and knocking on doors. This killed me. I was terrified of seeing my uncle like this and didn't want to see him hurting, yet I was the one designated for transportation, I don't remember being asked and I don't remember my sister being asked, But I was the one who had to do it. For my dad's mom;s funeral, I had to go. My sister did not have to go or help arrange things. I have just learned that there are things I have to do without question that are uncomfortable and at times maybe even harmful. But I was not given a choice. Now as an adult trying to navigate boundaries and realizing a do have a choice i struggle with a balance of being able to say no without the guilt or feelings that I will hurt or let someone down. many times I don't even think, it is an automatic response to help or take care of things with others.
Other things I have noticed this week is just not caring. I was late for work Sunday and am not coming to work tomorrow even though I am scheduled. This is not me at all. I am always on time and always at work if scheduled. But I don't care. On Sunday I texted my boss that I was running late a couple hours before my shift. I told my boss Monday that I could not work on Thursday. I have appointments and I just don't feel like rescheduling. We are incredibly short staffed this week and was told we need the help, but I don't care. If I got fired I wouldn't care. I am just at a point of giving up and not caring what happens. I don't feel like I am contributing to anything. I am replaceable.
I am also struggling with boundaries with certain people. When my friend from church that was like a mother figure and so supportive that moved, we stayed in touch for about two weeks. After that I sent text messages with no response. Now it has been a while with no interaction I debated calling or texting her, but then I thought is it even worth it. Am I the only one trying or reaching out? I do not want things to be one sided and I don't want to waste energy if the other person does not have time. I have put forth effort and I am tired. Am I in the right to just leave things and not try? And I don't mean this in a cruel way, but more of I am not going to put out the emotional energy for someone who is not able to reciprocate. I don't mean any ill will, I just am not going to seek out people who don't have the same time or respect for me. I have the same issue with a friend from CA. I understand that there is a lot of things going on within their family with illness, but at the same time, a text here or there or responding to a text does not take up that much time.
I was talking with my therapist last week and I know you have brought it up as well, that I put myself last and try to fix or do all the things for everyone else. She was telling me that I don't need to take on so much or feel like I am responsible or the only one that can do things (specifically in regards to my dad, sister, or Kevin). I don't ever plan to or even feel like I have to do things in the moment, I just do them because it is auto pilot. Yes, with my dad I feel like I have to because I don't want to push him over the edge (I never want to be the cause that he ends his life) or hurt him. I feel so bad for him that it is almost my own expectation of myself to ensure things are taken care of. I really don't decide to put others first or feel like I am the one who has to take on thing consciously. All my actions are automatic with no thought really about it. Now trying to see where I need to limit myself or set boundaries I am left with guilt. I am not sure how to navigate the balance of caring and helping versus things being detrimental to myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment