5K

 Saturday morning I got up and ran a 5K for the organization that provided me with a grant for IVF last year. I have become friends with the woman who started the program and I have gone every year to participate. I have not run since my last 5K since April 18th. I was not prepared but I wanted to run it anyways. I was very disappointed with my finish. I beat my time by about 4 minutes but I was pissed at what place I came in. I could have done better. I should have trained, I should have pushed myself harder. People passed me that I felt I should be faster then. I mean I don't really care about who passed me but more that I came in at a worse place. I do realize that the first race I did had about 80 people and this one had over 200, but I still felt like a failure. I mean I can't expect much since I didn't train at all. There was information written about the organization and a back story. The information mentioned that two of the grants they have given out resulted in babies. I was the 3rd grant given out. Again, I feel like a failure. None of this was written about my IVF treatment not working, but it was all I could think about. After some time I was able to push it back and just not think about it. 

Sunday my pastor taught on finding our identity in Christ. He also ran in the 5k alone with his wife. He also mentioned how his initial thoughts as older people passed him were like mine, finding his identity in how he placed. He taught in Samuel and David finding his identity in God despite where he came from, people doubting him, being betrayed by this brothers, and sinful behaviors. Just like David, God has chosen me and promised to fulfill his promises. He was human and made mistakes. It was something I needed to hear. And David continued to repent and follow God, with this relationship changing him.

I am still having terrible nightmares. The amount of time I am sleeping is improving.  My dreams consist of me being tortured, dying from natural disasters, trying to escape those that are hurting, me, keeping my pets safe from predators, and weirdly having to endure pain during sex in order to orgasm. I am not sure what that means.

Over the weekend my anxiety was manageable. As soon as I woke up for work today it started back. I didn't think I was going to make it to work. i had chest pain, difficulty catching my breath, and constant dread. I felt like I was going to start crying. But I also felt like I have no choice and no other option but to go. The first few hours were miserable. I just tried to breathe and focus on making lists and trying to catch up on things in my calendar. Now, 10 hours later, my stomach is still turning and it hurts to breathe, but the day is almost done and I can say that I didn't go home because of anxiety.