Day 14 & 15

Day 14

I never thought of this whole thing as a  "life change", but it is! I think subconsciously I am terrified. It is a huge change. It is way over two thirds of my life that I have been living like this. I don't even know how I would be if I didn't have an eating problem. I don't even know myself apart from the eating problem. Ahhh- this is all so hard. And last week I was doing okay and then the past 3 days have been terrible. I feel like I am taking steps backwards. I have been crying and haven't been able to eat the last 2 days at program.
 

Last night I felt fine. I was very nervous, but that has just become my baseline- on edge, hypersensitive to everything... We were all just checking in for the evening like we do every night. I opened my mouth and the tears just started. Nothing felt "wrong" but I could not stop the tears. I was able to talk to the group and let them know how I feel so much like an outsider and just that I don't fit in. No one has ever made me feel this way, but I just feel it. I expressed my fear of sharing and fear that people think I am not participating. The group responded well to what I was saying. Well, 2 people responded. One of the girls said that she has felt like I have felt. She told me that it took her a long time to open up or talk at all in group. She just encouraged me by saying that it takes time and that no one is judging me. Another girl (the one that started right after me) was very sweet and encouraging. I was actually very blessed by her. She told me that I had been on her heart and that she has been praying for me. The rest of the group went okay.
 

Dinner was bad. There were several people from the group, the therapists, and 2 dietitians there. The table was super crowded and we were a lot closer in proximity than we normally are. I felt so scrunched in and claustrophobic. I wasn't able to eat at all. I didn't cry which is good- but when I tried to take bites my hands were so shaky and food would fall off. The real dietitian has been gone on vacation since I started the program. Last night was her first day back. During dinner she asked me if I wanted to go into the other room and just eat with her. I felt like if I said yes that it would show digression instead of moving forward so I just said no. She met with me after dinner and told me she didn't want to force me to go out of the room to eat, but she thought that it would have best for me and everyone. She explained that being shaky and so disconnected can trigger others during meal times. She wasn't mean at all. I guess she is right. I just thought it would show weakness on my part if I left the room and couldn't eat with others.    

I felt discouraged some, but I know and have to tell myself that it is all okay and that things are fine. And for the moment I believe it. I just am having really strange and different emotional reactions to things recently.

Day 15

last night at group went much better. The group was split into 2 smaller groups because there were several of us there. This made it a lot easier to talk and to share. The 2 other people in my group have been a consistent 2 since I started. It helped that the therapist asked if it was okay to help prompt me within the discussion. I also just felt way more at ease than I have in a long time. Choosing dinner was hard. What I picked was not approved by the dietitian. She wanted me to have a sandwich instead of a salad. I hate sandwiches, but she just chose for me. She ordered tuna salad sandwich for me. I asked that there be no extra mayo on the bread and she said that that was fine. Dinner came. I am only given half of the sandwich because that is my meal plan for now. But the order was wrong and there was mayo all over one side of the bread. So basically all the veggies were covered in mayo. I ate some of the tuna that wasn't touching the mayo and a couple bites of the bread. I was so calm during the time of eating though, even though my mind would not let me eat anything else.

After dinner I met with the dietitian to create a realistic meal plan. It is going to be a lot of work and was overwhelming. She also told me that I am not allowed to exercise at all until she sees improvement in my intake and my nutrition improves. I am okay with that right now because I am just lazy anyways.